Honoring an un-honorable parent
Originally Posted by pops49
Hey Cindy
I hope I'm asking this right. What does the bible say about being around somebody who's truly mean and corrupt? and what if that person is one of your parents?
I was going to post in trials first but needed to ask here first. Thanks
That's really a HUGE question but I'll do my best for you. This is going to be long though as I want to give you a bunch of scriptures for you to reflect on so you'll know what God's Word says about this. If you want to just skim over the scriptures for now and just read what I wrote, that's fine, but I want you to have them so you can reflect on them later at your leisure.
You don't say if your parents say they are saved or not or which parent it is, so I'll have to cover both possibilities. The reason I said you don't say if they say they are saved is because the one acting this way most likely isn't saved regardless of what they say. But without further information from you I can't be sure...so I'm going to assume that this parent is an angry, mean corrupt person most of the time, which says to me that they aren't saved regardless of whether or not they say they are.
Ok let's start with the basics about parents, children, love and honor. One of the ten commandments is that we are to honor our parents:
Deuteronomy 5:16 “Honor your father and your mother, as the Lord your God has commanded you, so that you may live long and that it may go well with you in the land the Lord your God is giving you.
It's important for us then to know what was meant by the word that was translated to "honor". Basically it means that we are to value or prize them highly. Children show this by obeying their parents; adult children show this by continuing to treat their parents with respect.
But what if a parent isn't worthy of honor or our respect? What about a parent that abuses their child emotionally, physically, sexually, or spiritually? That kind of parent is not to be honored. It's similar to the situation a wife finds herself in when she's married to an abusive husband. God tells wives to submit to their husbands, but He also expects husbands to behave in a certain way toward their wives. He expects husbands to love their wives and treat them as Christ loved the church--which is a sacrificial love--putting the wife before himself. Parents are to love their children and God tells parents how they are to treat their children too, just as He tells husbands how to treat their wives.
Besides letting us know how husbands should love their wives, God tells us how we are to love each other, especially among family members. Most everyone is familiar with the "love chapter" in the bible but most don't really "get it" because they look at it as the "ideal" rather then God's instructions to us of how we are to love.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
And here the Lord is more specific about parents:
Colossians 3:20-21 Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.
Ephesians 6:4 Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.
Basically these verses are saying that parents shouldn't provoke or irritate their children by continually making unreasonable demands of them. When a parent does this, they are not loving their children in the way the Lord expects them too. Now obviously we cannot expect someone who is unsaved to know God's commands or even care about them. But since you yourself are saved and you do know God's commands, you can see that your parent is not walking in God's ways and by this that they are not loving you the way that the Lord commands us to.
Here again is a passage showing us that God expects parents to be good to their children:
Matthew 7:9-12 “Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.
Matthew 18:6 But if anyone causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a large millstone hung around his neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea.
But there is more to parenting then just loving our children. Parents are to train their children in God's ways and they are to discipline their children too. No child enjoys it when they are being disciplined, but it is a very important part of being a parent.
Proverbs 29:15 The rod of correction imparts wisdom, but a child left to himself disgraces his mother.
Proverbs 15:5 A fool spurns his father’s discipline, but whoever heeds correction shows prudence.
So even though we don't like discipline, it's necessary and when we are saved, God will also discipline us, just as any good parent would do for their child. (by the way, there is a big difference between discipline and abuse, and between spanking a child and beating them. God does not want any child to be beaten or abused in any way!)
Hebrews 12:7-11 Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.
From what you've said though, I doubt if the problem you have is because you didn't like being disciplined as a child. I only brought that up, "just in case" since you didn't give me a lot to go on.
I think by these you can see that the parent treating you badly is not walking in obedience to the Lord. So the question is, where does that leave you? How then are you to react toward them? Your particular situation sounds a bit more difficult in that it sounds like one of your parents is living in sin and the other isn't. That makes it a bit more difficult because you need to show respect and love toward the one who is living the way the Lord tells us too, and if they require you to have an ongoing relationship with the other parent, that's where it could get sticky....I don't think I'll deal with that unless you say that is indeed part of the problem...
So, how do you act? For that we need to look at how the Lord tells us to act in general now. For one thing, you're an adult now and not a child. I assume that you are not living at home with your parents any longer too. (If you are living with them, in their home, then there are some other things that need to be considered...again I won't address that though unless you say that is what's going on)
First, when dealing with the "good" parent, you act toward them with love and respect. You "honor" them just as the Lord says to.
Second, when dealing with the parent that you're having problems with, while you don't have to "honor" them per se, you do need to love them anyway. The difference is that while you're loving the one parent because they've been a good parent and have loved you and cared for you, you'll be loving the "bad" parent because they are in effect your "enemy", and the Lord tells us that we are to love our enemies:
Matthew 22:37-40 Jesus replied: “ ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”
Matthew 5:43-48 “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.
Luke 6:35-36 But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.
By those you can see that you are to love them, pray for them and do good things for them when you can. BUT that doesn't mean that you have to spend time with them. While adult children should normally make time regularly to spend with their parents, that's only in a mutually loving situation. That's when the relationship between the child and both parents is a good one.
So Third,since your relationship with one of your parents isn't good due to their mistreatment of you (and from what you said, most likely their mistreatment of others too) it would be best if you simply stayed away from that person entirely or at least as much as is possible for you. That is what the Lord tells us to do. Here are some passages that speak to this:
Proverbs 12:26 A righteous man is cautious in friendship, but the way of the wicked leads them astray.
Proverbs 13:20 He who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm.
1 Timothy 6:20-21 Timothy, guard what has been entrusted to your care. Turn away from godless chatter and the opposing ideas of what is falsely called knowledge, which some have professed and in so doing have wandered from the faith. Grace be with you.
2 Timothy 3:1-5 But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God— having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with them.
1 Corinthians 15:33 Do not be misled: “Bad company corrupts good character.”
2 Corinthians 6:17 “Therefore come out from them and be separate, says the Lord.
Proverbs 22:24-25 Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man, do not associate with one easily angered, or you may learn his ways and get yourself ensnared.
Galatians 5:9 A little leaven leavens the whole lump.
1 Thessalonians 5:22 Abstain from all appearance of evil.
Fourth, the important thing to think of is your own spiritual health in this. God tells us that we are not to allow ourselves to stay angry at someone as it could become bitterness in us, or it could precipitate sinful actions on our part, both of which are sins and not good for us. So we need to examine ourselves too and make sure that there is no root of bitterness in us and if there is, we then need to work that out with God.
2 Corinthians 13:5 Examine yourselves to see whether you are in the faith; test yourselves. Do you not realize that Christ Jesus is in you—unless, of course, you fail the test?
God's word tells us what kind of things He does not want to see in us as well as what kind of things we should be doing. I'll post some scriptures about that as well for you to go over. If you find any sin, then of course you need to confess it and He will be faithful to forgive your sin.
Hebrews 12:14-15 Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.
1 John 1:9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness
Fifth, keep in mind that we are always to put God above everyone else, including our parents. That's what Jesus is saying here:
Luke 14:26-27 “If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters—yes, even his own life—he cannot be my disciple. And anyone who does not carry his cross and follow me cannot be my disciple.
So when a parent is doing something that is against God's Will or His Word, or when they are saying that you should do something like that, we must obey God and not the parent.
So what's the conclusion of all this:
You are to love the parent but you don't have to spend time with them; you are to pray for them and even do good things for them if they ask, but again you don't and shouldn't hang out with them since they are a bad influence and are not godly. You are to forgive them. You are to search and examine yourself to see if you are in sin from this, such as holding onto your anger, or bitterness etc. and if there is, you are to repent and confess it.
Here's some more passages about all this for you to reflect on when you have time; they should help you determine how to handle this situation. I hope this helped you some...
Psalm 37:8 Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret—it leads only to evil.
Proverbs 15:1 A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
Proverbs 29:22 An angry man stirs up dissension, and a hot-tempered one commits many sins.
Proverbs 27:4 Anger is cruel and fury overwhelming, but who can stand before jealousy?
Proverbs 29:8 Mockers stir up a city, but wise men turn away anger.
Proverbs 29:11 A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control.
Ecclesiastes 7:9 Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools.
Ephesians 4:26-27 “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.
Ephesians 4:31-32 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
James 1:19-20 My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.
James 1:22 Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says.
James 1:26 If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless.
2 Corinthians 12:20 For I am afraid that when I come I may not find you as I want you to be, and you may not find me as you want me to be. I fear that there may be quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, factions, slander, gossip, arrogance and disorder.
Colossians 3:8-10 But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator.
1 Timothy 2:8 I want men everywhere to lift up holy hands in prayer, without anger or disputing.
Hebrews 3:12-13 See to it, brothers, that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God. But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness.
1 Samuel 18 on is about David & Jonathan and Saul, Jonathan's father. Jonathan "honored" his father but never helped him when he was attempting something evil and instead helped David against him. This story shows a lot about honoring parents as well as those in authority over us and what happens when the person no longer deserves honoring etc.
