"Submit" has become a dirty word in our days and that's a real shame. Women come up with all kinds of reasons that they shouldn't submit to their husbands, most not legitimate. I've heard many say that they would submit if or after their husbands became the kind of husbands that God intended them to be, but the bible doesn't say that. God doesn't tell women to submit if their husbands are godly men who know God's Word and are living godly lives. He simply says, "wives, submit to your husbands".
However, we also have to recognize what God's Word says about marriage in general with this and He does not expect a wife to submit to verbal, emotional or sexual abuse, nor does He expect or want wives to submit to a man who is telling them to do or say something that goes against God's Word or the laws of their country. When He tells wives to submit to their husbands, He is speaking to wives that are in a healthy, loving marriage--note that I said a "healthy loving" marriage and not a "perfect" marriage. There is no such thing as a perfect marriage.
Submission to your husband doesn't mean being a slave to him, nor does he being the head of the home make him into some kind of king or tyrant over you. The couple should discuss issues that need a decision and both should take into consideration the others thoughts and feelings on the subject. After this has been done though, it is up to the husband to make the final decision in the matter and up to the wife to "submit" to that decision; in other words, agree with her husbands decision, backing him up, even if she doesn't particularly like it.
I struggled with this personally when Bruce and I got married. I was probably the least "submissive" person anyone could ever imagine knowing, but I knew that was what God commanded and all my excuses were nothing but excuses not to obey Him. So I asked for His help and I began to submit. Nor was Bruce the perfect godly husband or head of the home at the time. When I began to submit to him, it was so alien to me, and so shocking to Bruce, that I told Bruce that I was submitting to him because that was what God said I was to do, because God had made him the head of the home and the spiritual leader of our family. The amazing thing was that the more I submitted, the more he became that godly man and head of the home! The more I obeyed God, changing myself to be in line with His Will, the more Bruce changed and became more in line with God's Will for him! It was like watching miracles happen as the Lord transformed both us!
Let me give you an example from my life when Bruce and I were still learning this. It was the first time Bruce made a decision that I really didn't like or agree with and I was really angry! He had told me one day that he didn't want me going to church that day, and I really wanted to go. I stomped off to pray before opening my mouth though because i really was working on submitting. I'm glad I did too because as I was praying the Lord asked me why I felt Bruce had made the decision he had. When I actually stopped to think about it, I knew why he had made that decision, it was for my saftey. He was afraid that the roads wouldn't be safe because of a bad storm we'd just had. I knew then that Bruce was only doing his job, the one the Lord had given him, to love and protect me (even from myself!) So I dried my eyes, thanked the Lord and went and apologized to Bruce for stomping off and told him that I accepted his decision and appreciated that he cared enough about me to want me to be safe. I think he grew two inches taller while I was looking at him LOL
Now, I still didn't like the fact that he had made the decision, but I respected that he had made it and that he'd done so for all the right reasons, according to God's Word. Therefore I could submit to him without any feelings of being abused. If he had simply made the decision because he wanted to be King and rule over me, then I wouldn't have submitted, because it would be going against God's Word, for both him and me.
Regardless of my personal experience though, the Bible still says that this is what we are to do. The funny thing is that most women tend to think submitting to their husbands, (or anyone for that matter) makes them weak or at least makes them appear weak. I can tell you from experience though that it takes a strong woman to submit to her husband, not a weak one!
So let's take a quick look at what the Bible really says about this. I'm going to give you the verses and then what the word "submit" is actually translated from and what it actually means as well as what other commentaries and books say about it.
Ephesians 5:22-24 Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
Colossians 3:18 Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.
5:22 In
Greek “wives” is in the vocative case, yet with the definite article.
Used in a general sense, it binds all wives into one class for this
assignment. Wives are asked to submit to husbands. Husbands are asked to
love their wives (v. 25). “Submit” translates a military term (hupotassōg, Gk.), which means “to place under” or “to subordinate” (cf. 1 Pet. 3:1,
note). This is not because of essential feminine inferiority but
because God has placed the husband first in order of creation as head of
the home, just as Christ is the Head of the church. While submission is
in one sense limitless, i.e., wives are to submit “in everything” (v.
24), in another sense this submission is not to exceed the parameters of
the will of God (v. 22). The directive to husbands is even more
imposing. The mandate to love employs agapatēg (Gk.) and hence must be a command for the husband to exhibit thoroughly all the qualities delineated in 1 Cor. 13 in his relationship with his wife. The verb indicates continuous, habitual action (v. 25).
Believer's Study Bible. 5293 ὑποτάσσω [hupotasso /hoop·ot·as·so/] v. From 5259 and 5021; TDNT 8:39; TDNTA 1156; GK 5718; 40 occurrences; AV translates as “put under” six times, “be subject unto” six times, “be subject to” five times, “submit (one’s) self unto” five times, “submit (one’s) self to” three times, “be in subjection unto” twice, “put in subjection under” once, and translated miscellaneously 12 times. 1 to arrange under, to subordinate. 2 to subject, put in subjection. 3 to subject one’s self, obey. 4 to submit to one’s control. 5 to yield to one’s admonition or advice. 6 to obey, be subject. Additional Information: A Greek military term meaning “to arrange [troop divisions] in a military fashion under the command of a leader”. In non-military use, it was “a voluntary attitude of giving in, cooperating, assuming responsibility, and carrying a burden”.
Strong, J. The exhaustive concordance of the Bible : Showing every word of the text of the common English version of the canonical books, and every occurrence of each word in regular order.
5718 ὑποτάσσομαι (hypotassomai), ὑποτάσσω (hypotassō): vb.; ≡ Str 5293; TDNT 8.39—1. LN 36.18 (dep.) obey, be obedient (Lk 2:51; Eph 5:22 v.r.); 2. LN 37.31 bring under control, put in subjection (1Co 15:27; Eph 1:22; Php 3:21; Heb 2:5, 8)
Dictionary of Biblical Languages with Semantic Domains : Greek (New Testament) Ephesians 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her
25 ἀγαπάω [agapao /ag·ap·ah·o/] v. Perhaps from agan (much) [or cf 5368]; TDNT 1:21; TDNTA 5; GK 26; 142 occurrences; AV translates as “love” 135 times, and “beloved” seven times. 1 of persons. 1a to welcome, to entertain, to be fond of, to love dearly. 2 of things. 2a to be well pleased, to be contented at or with a thing.
Strong, J. The exhaustive concordance of the Bible : Showing every word of the text of the common English version of the canonical books, and every occurrence of each word in regular order.
Christ and the Church Model Husband/Wife Relationships (Eph. 5:22-33). The specific instructions that the apostle Paul gives to husbands and wives are a glimpse of the Bridegroom and bride—a heavenly model for every marriage on earth.
As
a husband, how should I behave toward my wife? Look to Christ, the
divine Bridegroom, in His relationship with the church: love her,
sacrifice for her, listen to her concerns, take care of her; be as
sensitive to her needs and her hurts as you are to those of your own
body.
As a wife, how should I behave
toward my husband? Look to the chosen bride, the church, in its
relationship with Christ: respect him, acknowledge his calling as “head”
of the family, respond to his leadership, listen to him, praise him, be
unified in purpose and will with him; be a true helper (see Gen. 2:18).
No husband and wife can do this by mere willpower or resolve, but since you (including your marriage) are “His workmanship” (Eph. 2:8-10), God will help bring this about.
Hayford's Bible handbook. But Adam and Eve sinned, and God told Eve, “Thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee” (Gen. 3:16). In New Testament times the Apostle Paul told Chris-tian wives, “Submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord” (Eph. 5:22). But even though a woman was to submit to her husband, she was not inferior to him. It just means that she should be willing to let him lead. In fact, Paul called for submission on the part of both the husband and the wife, “submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God” (Eph. 5:21). In another letter, Paul clearly stated that there is no difference of status in Christ between a man and a woman. “There is neither Jew nor Greek,” he writes, “there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus” (Gal. 3:28). Nelson's illustrated manners and customs of the Bible
Wives, submit. This is an old military figure (Gr hypotassō) meaning to line up under (Eph 5:22)
or to subject yourselves in a specialized way. There is no hint of
inferiority, but a matter of authority and responsibility in the home.
Wives are to be in habitual subjection with implicit trust. This is
voluntary, not forced on her by a demanding despot. The wife is a
helpmeet (a help suitable to the husband), not a slave. The family is
held together by authority and obedience. The wife’s submission is
prompted by the husband’s love. As it is fit in the Lord. As
it should be, becoming, and proper. All of life is to be lived in
fellowship with Christ. God is emphasizing responsibilities, not rights (Eph 5:22–24).
19. Husbands, love your wives.Keep
on loving your wives. This is more than human affection; it is produced
by the Holy Spirit. The dominant trait of the Christian husband is
self-devotion, not self-satisfaction (Eph 5:25–28). Be not bitter against them. Stop being bitter and do not have the habit of being bitter against them. This sin wrecks many marriages.
KJV Bible commentary.
5:22 Women are never made second to men in general, but the wife is specifically called to accept her husband’s leadership.
Spirit filled life study Bible22. Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. The duty and manner of submission. The Christian home is a symbol of Christianity, and should be a “little bit of heaven” on earth. The word submit (Gr hypotassō) is an old military figure to line up under (Col 3:18) and means to subject yourselves in line in a specialized way. Christian wives will be ordering their lives in proper subjection to their own husbands as required in this relation in the Lord, for subjection to the Lord includes loyal living in the home. Submission is not slavish fear, neither is it forced upon her by a demanding domestic despot, but it is voluntary. There is no hint of inferiority, but a matter of authority and responsibility in the home. Husbands and wives are parts of a unit. The question arises, what if the husband is not a born-again believer? The Word of God gives definite instructions covering such a case (1 Pet 3:1–7). KJV Bible commentary.
1 Peter 3:1-7 Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear. Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.
1 Peter 3:1-6Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives,when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes.Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands,like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.
Today I thought we could look at this from another angle and add another subject to it. Peter starts off here again telling us to be sumissive to our husbands, even if they are unbelievers. He says that this way perhaps our husbands will come to believe because they see how we are living our lives in obedience to God. They will see how important our relationship with the Lord is to us and hopefully will want what we have.
He then goes on to talk about beauty and how we should dress and act. More importantly however, he tells us that our true beauty comes from within, from our relationship with Christ. He is not saying that we shouldn’t braid our hear or that we sholdn’t wear jewlrey or that we shouldn’t own and wear fine clothes. He is saying that our beauty doesn’t come from those things and also telling women that they should be conservative in how they dress rather then dressing the way a prostitute does. I’m sure we’ve all heard the saying that if you’ve got it flaunt it, well that’s exactly what Peter is saying that we should not do! Paul tells us the same thing here:
1 Timothy 2:9-12 I also want women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety, not with braided hair or gold or pearls or expensive clothes,but with good deeds, appropriate for women who profess to worship God.A woman should learn in quietness and full submission.I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she must be silent.
For those who aren’t married, they should still dress modestly, with decency—they don’t need to show off their bodies to catch a man; and once a woman is married, their bodies belong to their husbands and aren’t to be shown off to other people by wearing revealing or suggestive clothing.
Notice that both Peter and Paul include being submissive to our husbands with how we dress and act. Our submissiveness to our husbands is seen as part of our beauty – our inner beauty. Paul continues saying that a woman should learn in quietness and full submission. This really gets the feminists going usually, however it’s not as bad as it may sound at first. What he’s really saying is that women aren’t to argue and debate with their husbands over it when the husband is attempting to teach her spiritual things. Instead they are to listen to him and go along with what he is saying. Now days it’s rare for a man to be the spiritual leader in the home, but back then it was the norm. It’s perfectly OK for a woman to ask questions etc. but we aren’t to be argumenative. In other words what Paul was saying that women who were aruging and making a fuss (loudly) should settle down and listen and try to lern instead.
Women are not to have authority over a man under normal conditions. In the old testament however God chose to make women judges over men even and told the Israelites it was because there were no men qualified to take the job so He was making women judges to shame them. So it’s not that women aren’t perfectly capable, it’s simply that when we “take over” we’re usurping the husbands job from him. This is really bad because we’re not giving them the opportunity to grow into the godly men God intended them to be. Instead we should be supportive and help them grow into that position and encourage them.
Let’s quickly take a look at the last thing Peter says about this:
1 Peter 3:6 like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.
Peter is telling us here that because Jesus is our Lord we do not need to be fearful of submitting to our husbands when we are doing what is right.. God is not the author of fear, but instead gives us a spirit of self control. This self control is really what both Paul and Peter are talking about, why Peter tells us not to be argumentative etc. Just like when he says we are to be quiet. He isn’t saying we shouldn’t talk! He’s saying that we shouldn’t be loud and obnoxious! We are to be self controlled and do what is right, submitting to our husbands and allowing our husbands to be the leader in the home.
Please keep in mind that we're only studying what the wives job is, and that while we are to submit that is not giving them permission to walk all over us like a doormat!
One of the most difficult things is to be with someone that says they're saved but doesn't have the fruit. I've been in that position as well.
Then there's the position of being with someone that is an unbeliever and who doesn't even claim to be saved and acts like an unsaved person. The word is a little clearer in this area, but it's still difficult.
Anytime there's any kind of abuse, regardless of whether or not the person claims to be saved, it generally causes the woman to become confused about what they are supposed to do in that situation and that's when we usually make all the wrong decisions. I know I did in the past.
Now I really do not want to get into a discussion of divorce here, so other then saying this, let's save anything to do with that for the other forum and a different study.
God is a loving God. He loves us more then we can ever understand. He would never abuse us--not emotionally, mentally or physically or spiritually in any way at all, nor does He want anyone else to do that to us, or us to do it to anyone else. We can know these things by reading and studying what God is like throughout the entire Bible. We know this by studying His attributes. We know too that He calls us to be like Him.
For the purposes of this study however, let's look at what Paul has said:
1 Corinthians 7:15 But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace.
In the above verse Paul says that God has called us as believers to live in peace. Now that doesn't mean that we should tolerate bad behavior in order to have peace, because that is not living in peace. Instead, that's enabling someone to continue their bad behavior. It's not living in peace because when you tolerate that bad behavior, that abuse, you are not at peace! Neither is he! Someone who is angry all the time is most certainly not at peace!
Let's look too at what God says about someone who is often angry:
Colossians 3:5-10 Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. Because of these, the wrath of God is coming. You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator.
So it's easy to see that anger doesn't come from God, it is not a godly attribute. There is such a thing as "righteous anger" but someone who is frequently angry isn't being righteously angry, they are simply being angry which is a sin and of the old nature. This is an indication that either the person isn't saved and never really was, or if they were just saved, it's an area that God will be working on constantly until the person has overcome that old part of their nature. Even the newly saved person will usually know that every time they get angry that way that they have slipped back into their old nature and that they need to confess it and repent.
You simply cannot live in peace with someone who is always angry. It's impossible. Now if that person sincerely desires to change and gives their life to Christ, then you've got a shot at it, but other then that, I'm not so sure.
Later Paul also says:
1 Corinthians 7:23 You were bought at a price; do not become slaves of men.
To tolerate abuse is in fact becoming a slave to that person.
Ephesians 5:8-11 For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) and find out what pleases the Lord. Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them.
So we are not to tolerate it, but expose it and have nothing to do with it. We are not to say, "oh well I probably deserve it" or "it's probably my fault because...."; those are lies from Satan! You are a child of the King and deserve to be treated with love and respect.
Ephesians 4:15 Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ.
When we expose it however we are not to throw it in their face or rub their noses in it or do it in anger or to hurt them. We are to do it to help them because we love them and want to help them to be the godly man God made them to be. When speaking this way to our husband it needs to be done in all humility and love with much tact.
So God's Word says we are to speak the truth in love which calls us to look at 1 cor 13 to see what "love" requires of us. (and them) But first I want to share this with you:
One of my favorite scriptures shows how God loves us and also shows how our husbands are supposed to love us. Remember that although we are called to submit to our husbands, God's command to husbands is that they are to love us as Christ loves the Church-the body of Christ. That's a sacrificial love; a love that thinks of the other person before themselves or anything else. A love that exemplifies 1 Cor. 13 which we'll look at next. But look first at this verse:
Song of Solomon 2:4 He has taken me to the banquet hall, and his banner over me is love.
This of it this way, we raise banners up to proclaim things that are very important to us, so this is saying that all the time, everywhere, the banner our husband is waving over us is shouting his great love for us, just as God is. It's saying in physical terms that everything our husbands does should shout to the world that he loves us. Isn't that awesome??? Even more awesome is that's how God is with us! But the point is that someone that's abusive isn't doing this.
So what kind of attributes should be found in a good godly marriage? Again we can look to His Word:
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Now obviously since we're not perfect, we're all going to have times when we mess up and do the opposite of those things. When we do however, as believers we are to confess our sins to God and to our spouse and ask their forgiveness.
1 Corinthians 11:11-12 In the Lord, however, woman is not independent of man, nor is man independent of woman. For as woman came from man, so also man is born of woman. But everything comes from God.
Here he is telling us that a married couple is to be interdependent with each other, complimenting each other. A married couple is "one flesh", that's what that means. Everything the man does affects the woman and everything the woman does affects the man. Everything done to either one of the affects the other as well. Women aren't inferior, just different, but we also aren't superior and shouldn't act like we are.
Genesis 2:24 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.
Now to your last questions, which is what are we to do. That's very hard to say and really can't be addressed "in general" I don't think. In general a good answer would have to be to pray regularly, constantly about this, and read God's Word regularly asking Him to show you what to do. The only other general advice I can give from His Word is that you are not to tolerate evil behavior like that. How you decide to deal with it though is between you and the Lord. You can confront your husband with his lack of fruit and show him how serious the anger issue is; discuss the true gospel with him and see if he's willing to turn his life over to Christ; or if more appropriate see if they'll recommit to Christ; you can separate from him and if the abuse is at all physical that is the very first thing you should do; and there's probably other ways of handling it as well. Be assured however that although we are to submit, we are not to be doormats and we are not to put up with any kind of abuse. I hope this helps!
We're conditioned by society (the world) to do just about anything to "have peace", to stop it somehow, and we don't stop to think usually that what we're doing is only perpetuating the abuse. It might stop it at that moment but it also assures that it will happen again and that's not living in peace. In fact it actually does the opposite and causes us to live in fear and stress because we know it's going to happen again--the question is "when". It can get to the point of where the last place you want to be is "home" because you're not safe there and you're not at peace. That's the real shame too because our homes should be the one place we can be ourselves, where we're accepted just as we are; and where we are the safest and at peace. But the abuser will often turn even those words against us and say that they too should be accepted "as they are", but that's not true. Abuse is a sin, it's wrong and it's not acceptable ever in any form; and shouldn't be acceptable to them either. (and if they're really born again it won't be)
1 Timothy 2:9-12 I also want women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety, not with braided hair or gold or pearls or expensive clothes,but with good deeds, appropriate for women who profess to worship God. A woman should learn in quietness and full submission.I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she must be silent.
1 Peter 3:1-6 Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.
Ephesians 4:15 Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ.
Like I said, it's not that we can't talk, it's "how" we talk and "when" we talk, as Kel pointed out. Our husbands are the head of our homes and head over us, so we don't take them to task in front of others, we instead discuss it quietly with them when we are alone with them; and we don't nag, etc.
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