I did a study on Forgiving awhile ago, called, Understanding Forgiveness and Forgiving 1 but it's quite long so I thought I'd try and condense it for those who don't have time for the longer studies. However, if after reading this, you would like more information, the bible verses about it etc. please go to the above link for it's a very good study...even if all you read is the 1st post, you'll get a lot out of it.
To start with, we're to forgive others the way the Lord forgives us. That means we need to go to them and tell them how they sinned and then if they repent, tell them they are forgiven. We also need to let them know that means we won't bring up the sin to them, to others, or even to ourselves again or ever use it against them, for that's how the Lord forgives us. Just knowing this little bit bring us all kinds of questions!
Why should we go to them, shouldn't they be coming to us? Well, yes, they should, but the Lord commands us to go to them just as He commands them to go to us and confess and repent, so ideally both parties should be on their way to each other right away. It rarely works that way though, so the Lord says, we're to go to them if they haven't already come to us. It helps if we understand the Lord's reasons behind His commands. His command to us that He tried to drill into our heads over and over is to love one another, and for unity in the body of Christ, so this is all about reconciliation. For the body of Christ to work the way the Lord intended, there can't be hard feelings between the various members of it. I'm not talking here about the members of a local church, but of the whole body, which is all who've been saved.
That bring up another question...what about those who aren't saved? What do we do then? The Lord never forgives us until we repent and then we become saved. Before then we really don't understand about sin, repentance or forgiveness and what it really means. So with the unsaved, we can only offer them a shallow portion of what we give each other when we forgive. But, in so doing, we're at the same time giving them an example of what being saved is all about and it can give us a great opening too to talk to them about the real deal...about salvation in Christ. We can explain to them that we can forgive them for ourselves, but that we can't forgive their actual sin for only God can do that, and for that they need to recognize that they need a Savior, etc. We can explain that when we forgive, it also means we won't bring the sin up to them, ourselves or others ever again or use it against them in any way, just as the Lord does for us when He forgives us and saves us. This can plant many good seeds the Lord can use to bring them into His Kingdom.
But, do we have to forgive someone who's not saved? Yes, God still commands us to forgive them. His reasons for this are similar, for we're commanded to love them as well as other believers, though for a different reason. First because we don't know that they won't one day be a believer and our brother or sister in Christ. Only the Lord knows that. Therefore the Lord doesn't want things coming between us and them that might stand in our way if/when they do become a believer. Secondly, He wants us to represent Him to them, so we're literally to be Him to them, act as He would, speak as He would, forgive as He would. Of course this is to hopefully bring them into His Kingdom one day. The Lord knows that because they are unbelievers though that forgiveness and reconciliation won't always be possible. That's why He tells us regarding unbelievers, Romans 12:18 —If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. * Therefore we're to do all we can to live at peace with them.
All of this can be difficult but it seems the most difficult part is that we usually don't "feel like" forgiving them, whether they're saved or not. Yet, the Lord never tells us to do something that's not possible, so how do we deal with this? First we have to realize that our feelings have absolutely nothing to do with it. Seriously, they don't! We often do things we don't feel like. Every morning I used to have to be up no later then 6 so I could be at work by 7. When that alarm clock went off, I sure didn't feel like getting up, but I did, and I surely didn't want to go to work, or feel like it, but again, I did. Day after day. It's the same thing with forgiveness.
I never asked anyone if I'd truly gone to work that day since I hadn't felt like it that morning when I'd awakened, and yet we constantly find ourselves asking if we really forgave someone since we didn't feel like it when we did it and our feelings for them hadn't changed. The answer to that is simple. Of course we forgave them! (assuming we forgave the way the Lord forgives us anyway)
Part of the reason our feelings about the person haven't changed though is usually because we didn't really forgive them the way the Lord does us. We left out the part about not bringing the matter up to them, to others, or even to ourselves again. That's the clincher! And how in the world do we do that???? Again, the Lord tells us how. Obviously the Lord can't and doesn't really "forget" our sins. He knows everything, and if He literally forgot them, then He wouldn't know everything and that contradicts His Word. What He means is that He doesn't think of our sins; He doesn't dwell on them, He doesn't hold them against us, even when we later repeat the same sin again. And that's exactly what He requires us to do. He calls it "taking our thoughts captive and making them obedient to Christ." (2 Corinthians 10:5 ) There is a short teaching about this subject here if you need to know how to do this: Taking Thoughts Captive it does take self discipline, but it's what the Lord expects of us and it will change us to be more like Christ in more ways then I can begin to count here. Basically, what it means is that whenever we find ourselves beginning to think about (or speak about) what happened, we literally stop the thoughts/words before they go any further, reminding ourselves of our promise and that the Lord has done this many times for us. Since we have broken our promise, we then need to ask the Lord's forgiveness. Because of our sin nature, at first we'll find ourselves thinking of it quite often or wanting to think about it anyway, so we'll constantly have to take those thoughts captive and replace them with God's Truth as described in the thread I mentioned. The more we do this, the less often it will happen, until eventually we will find that our feelings will begin to reflect the feelings of our Lord instead of our old sin nature. Eventually those old feelings will be entirely replaced with those of love from our new nature that's like the Lord. This is what makes true forgiveness and reconciliation really possible.
So remember, our feelings, don't matter as far as whether or not we can forgive or have forgiven. They will eventually begin to reflect the truth though the more we keep our thoughts in line with the Lord's when the matter does come to our attention.
When we forgive someone, it's a big deal, and something major happens in the spiritual realm and for the person being forgiven as well as for us. Giving or receiving forgiveness is not something that should ever be done lightly or without prayerful thought, which it often seems to be these days. Forgiveness is something we do out of love for our Lord to be obedient to Him; so we offer the offender a gift...not because they earned it by repenting, but because we love the Lord.
It's very different from the world's way of "apology". When people apologize, they don't have to confess any sin or even admit why they're really sorry. They could simply be sorry they got caught or that their reputation might suffer or for other consequences of what they did. They don't have to recognize that God has anything at all to do with it even. They're not promising you anything at all either. That doesn't mean however that we should never say we're sorry, but we should be aware of the difference between the two.
As I said at the start, I realize this doesn't cover anywhere near all the questions concerning forgiveness and forgetting concerning both the saved and unsaved, but I hope it gives at least a glimpse of how the Lord wants us to forgive and why. And of course, I hope it helps others as it has me in my own life.
For more information see:
Bible Studies, Friends and Fellowship
Wednesday, March 4, 2015
Understanding Forgiveness and Forgiving 9
Forgiving someone isn't the last step. Usually when we forgive someone, we tend to think that's the end of it and we don't have anything else we need to do. But we need to remember God's purpose in forgiveness. His purpose is reconciliation. If we look at how He forgives us, we can see that forgiveness is actually closer to the first step, because once He forgives us, He brings us into a close, personal relationship with Him. That's what he wants to have happen when we forgive someone else. The purpose is so we can build an even stronger, deeper relationship with that person. It's to make our relationship better then ever.
Let's look at it this way...before we were saved, sin put a wall between us and God, right? When we repent and He forgives us, it removes that wall between us. But we're still separated - we're not "one" yet. But then the Lord then comes and dwells within us and we're no longer separated, but instead are living in a vital close relationship with Him.
Now obviously we can't go "dwell within" someone, and God doesn't expect that either, but He does want us to be reconciled and be one in Him. In this world though it's very easy for us to drift away from that friend after they've repented. Remember that we're not talking about them repenting from some little sin, but rather from something really serious, because we cover all the other kinds of sin with love.
The Lord shows us what needs to be done here:
2 Corinthians 2:7–8 —Now instead, you ought to forgive and comfort him, so that he will not be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. *I urge you, therefore, to reaffirm your love for him. *
There are 3 things we're told are needed here: forgive, comfort, and reaffirm our love for them. When we love someone, we want to help them don't we? We all know how difficult it can be to overcome some sins in our life, so what we're being told to do here is to help them overcome the sin in any way we can. If nothing else we can pray for them, but other things we might be able to do is to point them to a biblical counselor, or to the pastor or elders at church or another church member that might be able to help them with the problem. We can also "be there" for them to talk to when they're needing that. That would be comforting them and also reaffirming our love for them. In other words we're not to just forgive them and leave them to deal with their mess. We're to help them rise above it.
To reaffirm our love for them, we can also do things like make sure that we include them in invitations for dinner or activities, and just make the effort to call them regularly to see how they're doing and let them know that we care. When we do things like this, it will cause our relationship with them to grow stronger instead of drifting away from them.
One thing we need to remember during this time is that we are to love them with God's love and not the worlds way. God says that there are consequences to sin and while He does want us to forgive each other, we're not to try and prevent the person from having to deal with the consequences of their sin.
For example, let's say I was driving your car and speeding and got a ticket for it. You forgive me but I say now that I'm forgiven, you should pay for the ticket because otherwise you're holding the sin against me still. Boy is that twisting things! But then I've seen people say things very similar to this so I know it happens. Making me pay for the ticket I got is not holding my sin against me. When you forgave me you promised not to bring up the sin or hold it against me, but you didn't promise that you would remove the consequences of the sin.
The Bible shows us again and again that there are consequences for sin even when we're forgiven. Look at David, after he was forgiven for his sin, his infant son still died. Remember too that God says that for some sins, restitution is required. Like if someone steals something from you, it would be correct to ask them to return it or to pay whatever it would cost you to replace it. The tendency today is for people to "give in" and let others get away with just about anything, but that isn't the loving thing to do.
That's one reason why it's often so much easier to just drift apart from the person. When we realize though that's not God's will, then we have to put a good deal of effort into reconciling with the person. This leads us to two other things...what if you break your promise and for who's sake are you forgiving someone for.
Who should be the focus of our forgiveness? I'm bringing this up because in today's world, everything is about us, or so we've been taught. Even with forgiveness we tend to look at it as a way to benefit ourselves. If we don't forgive, then God won't forgive us and won't hear our prayers, so we forgive others to get a benefit for ourselves from it. Yet that wasn't how Jesus forgave others, or why He forgave them. He wasn't looking for any gain for Himself out of it when He forgave me or you or the people who were in His life back then. Just as everything else that the Lord teaches us is the opposite of what the world teaches, so is this. He doesn't want us to forgive others so we gain out of it or even out of fear that He won't forgive us or that He will judge us more harshly. He has told us constantly in His Word that we're to deny ourselves, put others before ourselves; that we're to be God centered and others centered and not self centered. He constantly and consistently points away from ourselves and toward others from Genesis through Revelation. Even the two great commandments tell us that. We're to love God and others.
Once again we need to look at how God forgave us to see where He wants us to put our focus on when we forgive others. When He forgave us, we were His enemies. We hated Him and ridiculed Him and sinned constantly against Him. Yet He loved us so much that He forgave us anyway. He didn't wait till He felt like it. Nor did He do it so that the Father would listen to Him or forgive Him - He had nothing to be forgiven for anyway. When we forgive others, it's to be the same way.
We did not deserve to be forgiven, even when we repented of our sin and asked Him to come into our lives and be our Lord. That's how we're to forgive others and another reason why our feelings don't matter. We grant them forgiveness even though they don't deserve it, just like He forgave us. Think back to when we were first saved. We repented of our sins, but we didn't really deserve to be forgiven...we didn't immediately turn around and live holy lives. Well, at least I know I didn't. So why did the Lord forgive me? He did it because He loves me. After He forgave me, He was still patient with me too. He was gentle and kind and never threw my sins in my face or used them against me, and has never done that to this day. Instead He patiently instructs me and teaches me His ways and when I fall down, He picks me back up and starts all over again.
So what's our focus to be or what's the reason we should forgive others? We should be focusing on their needs, not our feelings or what we'll get out of it if we do, or what will happen to us if we don't. What then is the purpose of granting others forgiveness? It's to do good to another out of gratitude to God, honoring Him by imitating His gracious forgiveness in Christ.
Ephesians 4:32 —Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. *
The word used for forgiving in the above verse stresses grace and means something given to someone freely as a favor. Everything in the above verse focuses on the one who is forgiven, not on the person doing the forgiving. Let's look at what it says in context too:
Ephesians 4:32–5:2 —Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. *Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children *and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. *
Did you notice the very next line? We're to imitate God in the way He forgives us, and lead a life of love just as He did. It's very easy to fall back into the worlds ways of thinking and think that we deserve to have Him forgive us for our sins, because after all, we're really not all that bad. We're actually pretty good, at least in comparison with other people we know...right? Wrong! God tells us that even our very best is nothing more then filthy rags compared to His perfection. Think about that for a moment...who's the most saintly, most godly person you've ever known or read about? How about the disciples or any of the people in the Bible? On their very best days, they were no better then filthy rags compared to our Lord's perfection. We are so utterly selfish, so totally depraved, that the only thing we have ever deserved from God is Hell. That's one thing I know for sure about myself now. Yet even as horrible as I really was and still am, the Lord forgave me of all my sins. All of them! Isn't that amazing???? I didn't deserve it when He hung on that cross for me. I didn't deserve it at any time during my life and I still don't deserve it today.
But the world has filled our heads with the total opposite for so long, and the church has failed to teach us for so long about how totally depraved we are, that this is hard for most people to deal with and understand. Another reason it's hard to deal with and understand is because we naturally don't want to. It goes against our sin nature to want to know just how sinful we are. That's also why so many people who think they're saved, really aren't, because they never knew or understood why they needed a savior to begin with. They think they're just fine the way they are. Once we honestly and truly realize this though, that's when we truly begin to love the Lord for forgiving us. This is what Jesus was talking about in the story He told Simon:
Luke 7:40–43 —Jesus answered him, “Simon, I have something to tell you.” “Tell me, teacher,” he said. *“Two men owed money to a certain moneylender. One owed him five hundred denarii, and the other fifty. *Neither of them had the money to pay him back, so he canceled the debts of both. Now which of them will love him more?” *Simon replied, “I suppose the one who had the bigger debt canceled.” “You have judged correctly,” Jesus said. *
Luke 7:44–47 —Then he turned toward the woman and said to Simon, “Do you see this woman? I came into your house. You did not give me any water for my feet, but she wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. *You did not give me a kiss, but this woman, from the time I entered, has not stopped kissing my feet. *You did not put oil on my head, but she has poured perfume on my feet. *Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven—for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little.” *
When Jesus says "he who has been forgiven little loves little", He's not saying that some people have fewer sins to forgive so they don't love Him as much. He's talking about how we perceive our sins. When we don't realize just how much of a sinner we are, then we feel like we've been forgiven only a little, since we're such a great person. It's not until we realize just how much of a sinner we really are that we will have that deep love and thankfulness for Him. The more we realize just how sinful we are, the easier it is to forgive another person no matter what they've done. It also helps us to realize that the person's sin against us, just shows how badly they need our Lord- just as badly as we did.
We need to always remember that the purpose of granting others forgiveness is to do good to another out of gratitude to God for forgiving us, honoring Him by imitating His gracious forgiveness in Christ.
Ephesians 4:32–5:2 —Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. *Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children *and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. *
Once again we need to look at how God forgave us to see where He wants us to put our focus on when we forgive others. When He forgave us, we were His enemies. We hated Him and ridiculed Him and sinned constantly against Him. Yet He loved us so much that He forgave us anyway. He didn't wait till He felt like it. Nor did He do it so that the Father would listen to Him or forgive Him - He had nothing to be forgiven for anyway. When we forgive others, it's to be the same way.
We did not deserve to be forgiven, even when we repented of our sin and asked Him to come into our lives and be our Lord. That's how we're to forgive others and another reason why our feelings don't matter. We grant them forgiveness even though they don't deserve it, just like He forgave us. Think back to when we were first saved. We repented of our sins, but we didn't really deserve to be forgiven...we didn't immediately turn around and live holy lives. Well, at least I know I didn't. So why did the Lord forgive me? He did it because He loves me. After He forgave me, He was still patient with me too. He was gentle and kind and never threw my sins in my face or used them against me, and has never done that to this day. Instead He patiently instructs me and teaches me His ways and when I fall down, He picks me back up and starts all over again.
So what's our focus to be or what's the reason we should forgive others? We should be focusing on their needs, not our feelings or what we'll get out of it if we do, or what will happen to us if we don't. What then is the purpose of granting others forgiveness? It's to do good to another out of gratitude to God, honoring Him by imitating His gracious forgiveness in Christ.
Ephesians 4:32 —Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. *
The word used for forgiving in the above verse stresses grace and means something given to someone freely as a favor. Everything in the above verse focuses on the one who is forgiven, not on the person doing the forgiving. Let's look at what it says in context too:
Ephesians 4:32–5:2 —Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. *Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children *and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. *
Did you notice the very next line? We're to imitate God in the way He forgives us, and lead a life of love just as He did. It's very easy to fall back into the worlds ways of thinking and think that we deserve to have Him forgive us for our sins, because after all, we're really not all that bad. We're actually pretty good, at least in comparison with other people we know...right? Wrong! God tells us that even our very best is nothing more then filthy rags compared to His perfection. Think about that for a moment...who's the most saintly, most godly person you've ever known or read about? How about the disciples or any of the people in the Bible? On their very best days, they were no better then filthy rags compared to our Lord's perfection. We are so utterly selfish, so totally depraved, that the only thing we have ever deserved from God is Hell. That's one thing I know for sure about myself now. Yet even as horrible as I really was and still am, the Lord forgave me of all my sins. All of them! Isn't that amazing???? I didn't deserve it when He hung on that cross for me. I didn't deserve it at any time during my life and I still don't deserve it today.
But the world has filled our heads with the total opposite for so long, and the church has failed to teach us for so long about how totally depraved we are, that this is hard for most people to deal with and understand. Another reason it's hard to deal with and understand is because we naturally don't want to. It goes against our sin nature to want to know just how sinful we are. That's also why so many people who think they're saved, really aren't, because they never knew or understood why they needed a savior to begin with. They think they're just fine the way they are. Once we honestly and truly realize this though, that's when we truly begin to love the Lord for forgiving us. This is what Jesus was talking about in the story He told Simon:
Luke 7:40–43 —Jesus answered him, “Simon, I have something to tell you.” “Tell me, teacher,” he said. *“Two men owed money to a certain moneylender. One owed him five hundred denarii, and the other fifty. *Neither of them had the money to pay him back, so he canceled the debts of both. Now which of them will love him more?” *Simon replied, “I suppose the one who had the bigger debt canceled.” “You have judged correctly,” Jesus said. *
Luke 7:44–47 —Then he turned toward the woman and said to Simon, “Do you see this woman? I came into your house. You did not give me any water for my feet, but she wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. *You did not give me a kiss, but this woman, from the time I entered, has not stopped kissing my feet. *You did not put oil on my head, but she has poured perfume on my feet. *Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven—for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little.” *
When Jesus says "he who has been forgiven little loves little", He's not saying that some people have fewer sins to forgive so they don't love Him as much. He's talking about how we perceive our sins. When we don't realize just how much of a sinner we are, then we feel like we've been forgiven only a little, since we're such a great person. It's not until we realize just how much of a sinner we really are that we will have that deep love and thankfulness for Him. The more we realize just how sinful we are, the easier it is to forgive another person no matter what they've done. It also helps us to realize that the person's sin against us, just shows how badly they need our Lord- just as badly as we did.
We need to always remember that the purpose of granting others forgiveness is to do good to another out of gratitude to God for forgiving us, honoring Him by imitating His gracious forgiveness in Christ.
Ephesians 4:32–5:2 —Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. *Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children *and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. *
About forgiving ourselves; Understanding Forgiveness and Forgiving 8
About forgiving ourselves. I want to talk about this as it's something else that's terribly misunderstood, mainly again, because of what the world teaches about self esteem and forgiveness.
First, nowhere in the Bible does it say that we're to forgive ourselves for anything. Yet some Christian authors even say it's a sin not to forgive ourselves. That's pretty dangerous to say something like that when there's nothing in the bible that indicates it's a sin, so that would be adding to God's Word, which isn't good! A sin is failure to obey a command of God. That's why I can say it's a sin to worry, because God commands us in many scriptures, not to worry. But nowhere does God command us to love ourselves or to forgive ourselves. The scripture used by most folks to say He does is when He tells us to love others as we love ourselves. But He isn't telling us to love ourselves there. Instead, He's saying that He knows we do love ourselves (way too much!) and that He wants us to love others with that much love. Basically Jesus implies that we already love ourselves way more then we should and that we should start applying that love to others instead. I say "instead" because of His commands that we are to put others before ourselves and think of them before ourselves etc. All of that is addressed in the thread Biblical Self-Esteem so I'm not going to cover more about it here. That's a good thread to read every once in awhile though even if you've already read it.
I say again that the Bible says nothing about forgiving ourselves. So what do we do if we feel we can't forgive ourselves for something? Well, first let's look at what we're really saying when we say we need to forgive ourselves.
Usually when someone says they want or need to forgive themselves, even if they're unable to, they're saying that they want to put the incident behind them, that they feel a lot of guilt about it and they don't want to feel that anymore. Here's where the world's ideas really get messed up. Because if the person who wants to forgive themselves, even if they think they're unable to actually did have a low self esteem, instead of wanting for forgive themselves they'd be saying things like, “Well, you’d expect someone like the to do that, wouldn’t you?” Normally though we hear people saying things like, "I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive myself for that", which says that they're very anxious to forgive themselves but don't know how.
For those of us who are saved, we really do know how, but we've been so blinded by what the world teaches that we tend not to look in God's Word or even if we do, we tend to not look at what the Lord's already done for us and about forgiveness in general. Actually, it's because the church and individual Christians have for so long ignored their bibles, that we have this problem (and many others) to begin with. So, with that said, let's look and see what God has to say about this. I think that just giving you the hint about what to look at in His Word, that you could each figure it out for yourselves at this point.
OK, when we feel or wish that we could forgive ourselves, what are we saying? We're really saying that we wish that we could know for sure that we'd not ever do that again aren't we? And the reason we feel we can't forgive ourselves is not only because of the damage already done by our sin, but also because we're aware that since we haven't changed at all, we can't be sure we won't do it again. We're carrying around this load of guilt and we won't put it down because we're afraid that we'll just keep doing it. And if we carry it around long enough, we may have even repeated the offense since the first time, which of course only makes it worse.
We've really already covered this, it just wasn't covered as self forgiveness. For those of us born again, how can we be forgiven? We're forgiven when we repent right? And repentance means turning from our sin. What happens when we do that? God not only forgives our sin, but He cleanses our conscience too. So why didn't He? Because we didn't apply all that He has for us when we asked Him to forgive us. As we talked about before, that's often because we didn't know it was available to us.
But there's another reason too. Sometimes we don't want to let go of it because we actually like being miserable. We've felt miserable so long and now we (supposedly) have a valid reason for feeling that way. Besides, it's a great way to get pity or get attention from others too.
How do we overcome this and get rid of the burden of guilt? First we have to be saved, that's number one. Since all of us are, we go to the next step which is that we have to be willing to apply what Christ has to offer us, which is not only forgiveness but the cleansing of our conscience as well.
Hebrews 10:22–23 —let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. *Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. *
What do we do then? Exactly what the verse says: we draw near to God with a sincere heart, knowing by our faith, that He will cleanse us from the guilt and remove it as far from us as the east is from the west. In other words, we go to the Lord in repentance asking Him to cleanse our conscience and accept by faith that He has indeed done so.
John 15:3–4 —You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. *Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. *
Then, we "remain in Him" by staying close to Him all the time in prayer and through studying His Word daily. When we are living that way, we are living a lifestyle of faith and our conscience is clean because we know that we wouldn't do anything purposely to dishonor Him. Like Paul, we can say:
Acts 24:16 —So I strive always to keep my conscience clear before God and man. *
But we know, just as Paul did, that doesn't mean we won't slip up and sin at times.
1 Corinthians 4:4 —My conscience is clear, but that does not make me innocent. It is the Lord who judges me. *
Again like Paul we can know that the Lord will bring any sin we've committed to our minds so we can know about it and repent of it. We know He will do this because He loves us, not because He wants to condemn us - just the opposite for He has already given His life for us! Therefore, when we do realize that we've sinned, we're not afraid to run to the Lord and ask His forgiveness and help to overcome it. We know He loves us and only wants to help us.
Because we are living a life of faith and remaining in Him, more and more we become like our Lord. While those who aren't saved become more corrupt. They can't help it because their conscience is corrupt and will remain so until or unless they become saved. So the unsaved can never have this freedom from guilt that we can.
Now this next part I'm not sure about, but I'm going to tell you so you can think on it and talk to the Lord about it yourself and see what He says. First, look at what Paul says here in Titus and at some of what the commentaries say about the verses:
Titus 1:15–16 —To the pure, all things are pure, but to those who are corrupted and do not believe, nothing is pure. In fact, both their minds and consciences are corrupted. *They claim to know God, but by their actions they deny him. They are detestable, disobedient and unfit for doing anything good. *
If the mind is defiled, it cannot accurately inform the conscience, so conscience cannot warn the person. When conscience is accurately and fully infused with God’s truth, it functions as the warning system God designed. The MacArthur study Bible
Paul set the matter straight by reminding his readers of the Lord’s teaching that purification is largely a matter of the internal rather than the external (cf. Mark 7:15; Luke 11:39–41). Nothing outside can corrupt one who is internally pure; but someone who is internally impure corrupts all he touches. The problem with the false teachers was that on the inside, in their minds and consciences, they were impure. As a result, even though they claimed to know and follow God, their corrupt actions belied their true natures (cf. 1 John 2:4). The Bible Knowledge Commentary
This is a fascinating verse and much needed today. Paul is referring to the Jewish legalists who were extremists about Old Testament Jewish ceremonial washings. These insisted on the ceremonial washings and were still calling some meats unclean, showing the need for the teaching of Matthew 15:1–20. People today can go to extremes and see something wrong in everything and every person until they separate themselves into total isolation. KJV Bible Commentary.
“To the pure all things are pure” (Titus 1:15) concerns false teaching about dietary laws (1 Tim. 4:2–5). It does not mean that a “pure mind” remains pure after beholding what is impure things. When God’s truth enlightens your conscience, you will know right from wrong and will avoid that which is evil. A defiled conscience is like a dirty window: no light can enter (Matt. 6:22–23). With the Word Bible Commentary
Divine faith rests not on fallible reasonings and opinions of men, but on the infallible Word of God, the truth itself which purifies the heart of the believer. By this mark, judge of new and strange doctrines, and stop the mouths of those who handle the Word of God deceitfully. Summarized Bible
Here's the part I'm not sure about. To me, it seems that once we realize that God cleanses our consciences from guilt and shame, and we've gone to Him in faith believing He would so this, then it seems to me that it would be a sin to continue to hold onto feelings of guilt and shame. It would be like saying He wasn't strong enough or powerful enough to forgive and cleanse us. I don't think it would be a sin though until we were aware that He says He cleanses our consciences. But on this as a whole, whether or not it's actually a sin, I'm just not sure yet. That's why I wanted to share the other information with you too so you could take it to the Lord and see what He says for yourself.
However, if we're still hanging on to feelings of guilt and or shame, it could also be an indicator that we've missed something...that something still hasn't been taken to the Lord. Maybe when we searched our hearts we saw what we thought the problem was and took that to Him, but we just didn't go deep enough when searching.... Again to use myself as an example, lets say I sinned and was speeding; when I searched my heart, the first sin I realized was that I had broken the law and we're told to obey the law. When I continued to search my heart about what I'd done and how sinful it was, I found yet more sins were involved in it and finally got to the root sin which rebellion and selfishness. If I had stopped when I realized that we're supposed to obey the law, thinking that's all there was too it, I wouldn't have taken care of the deeper problem I had. See what I mean? So that's always a possibility if we're still hanging on to those feelings of guilt.
First, nowhere in the Bible does it say that we're to forgive ourselves for anything. Yet some Christian authors even say it's a sin not to forgive ourselves. That's pretty dangerous to say something like that when there's nothing in the bible that indicates it's a sin, so that would be adding to God's Word, which isn't good! A sin is failure to obey a command of God. That's why I can say it's a sin to worry, because God commands us in many scriptures, not to worry. But nowhere does God command us to love ourselves or to forgive ourselves. The scripture used by most folks to say He does is when He tells us to love others as we love ourselves. But He isn't telling us to love ourselves there. Instead, He's saying that He knows we do love ourselves (way too much!) and that He wants us to love others with that much love. Basically Jesus implies that we already love ourselves way more then we should and that we should start applying that love to others instead. I say "instead" because of His commands that we are to put others before ourselves and think of them before ourselves etc. All of that is addressed in the thread Biblical Self-Esteem so I'm not going to cover more about it here. That's a good thread to read every once in awhile though even if you've already read it.
I say again that the Bible says nothing about forgiving ourselves. So what do we do if we feel we can't forgive ourselves for something? Well, first let's look at what we're really saying when we say we need to forgive ourselves.
Usually when someone says they want or need to forgive themselves, even if they're unable to, they're saying that they want to put the incident behind them, that they feel a lot of guilt about it and they don't want to feel that anymore. Here's where the world's ideas really get messed up. Because if the person who wants to forgive themselves, even if they think they're unable to actually did have a low self esteem, instead of wanting for forgive themselves they'd be saying things like, “Well, you’d expect someone like the to do that, wouldn’t you?” Normally though we hear people saying things like, "I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive myself for that", which says that they're very anxious to forgive themselves but don't know how.
For those of us who are saved, we really do know how, but we've been so blinded by what the world teaches that we tend not to look in God's Word or even if we do, we tend to not look at what the Lord's already done for us and about forgiveness in general. Actually, it's because the church and individual Christians have for so long ignored their bibles, that we have this problem (and many others) to begin with. So, with that said, let's look and see what God has to say about this. I think that just giving you the hint about what to look at in His Word, that you could each figure it out for yourselves at this point.
OK, when we feel or wish that we could forgive ourselves, what are we saying? We're really saying that we wish that we could know for sure that we'd not ever do that again aren't we? And the reason we feel we can't forgive ourselves is not only because of the damage already done by our sin, but also because we're aware that since we haven't changed at all, we can't be sure we won't do it again. We're carrying around this load of guilt and we won't put it down because we're afraid that we'll just keep doing it. And if we carry it around long enough, we may have even repeated the offense since the first time, which of course only makes it worse.
We've really already covered this, it just wasn't covered as self forgiveness. For those of us born again, how can we be forgiven? We're forgiven when we repent right? And repentance means turning from our sin. What happens when we do that? God not only forgives our sin, but He cleanses our conscience too. So why didn't He? Because we didn't apply all that He has for us when we asked Him to forgive us. As we talked about before, that's often because we didn't know it was available to us.
But there's another reason too. Sometimes we don't want to let go of it because we actually like being miserable. We've felt miserable so long and now we (supposedly) have a valid reason for feeling that way. Besides, it's a great way to get pity or get attention from others too.
How do we overcome this and get rid of the burden of guilt? First we have to be saved, that's number one. Since all of us are, we go to the next step which is that we have to be willing to apply what Christ has to offer us, which is not only forgiveness but the cleansing of our conscience as well.
Hebrews 10:22–23 —let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. *Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. *
What do we do then? Exactly what the verse says: we draw near to God with a sincere heart, knowing by our faith, that He will cleanse us from the guilt and remove it as far from us as the east is from the west. In other words, we go to the Lord in repentance asking Him to cleanse our conscience and accept by faith that He has indeed done so.
John 15:3–4 —You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. *Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. *
Then, we "remain in Him" by staying close to Him all the time in prayer and through studying His Word daily. When we are living that way, we are living a lifestyle of faith and our conscience is clean because we know that we wouldn't do anything purposely to dishonor Him. Like Paul, we can say:
Acts 24:16 —So I strive always to keep my conscience clear before God and man. *
But we know, just as Paul did, that doesn't mean we won't slip up and sin at times.
1 Corinthians 4:4 —My conscience is clear, but that does not make me innocent. It is the Lord who judges me. *
Again like Paul we can know that the Lord will bring any sin we've committed to our minds so we can know about it and repent of it. We know He will do this because He loves us, not because He wants to condemn us - just the opposite for He has already given His life for us! Therefore, when we do realize that we've sinned, we're not afraid to run to the Lord and ask His forgiveness and help to overcome it. We know He loves us and only wants to help us.
Because we are living a life of faith and remaining in Him, more and more we become like our Lord. While those who aren't saved become more corrupt. They can't help it because their conscience is corrupt and will remain so until or unless they become saved. So the unsaved can never have this freedom from guilt that we can.
Now this next part I'm not sure about, but I'm going to tell you so you can think on it and talk to the Lord about it yourself and see what He says. First, look at what Paul says here in Titus and at some of what the commentaries say about the verses:
Titus 1:15–16 —To the pure, all things are pure, but to those who are corrupted and do not believe, nothing is pure. In fact, both their minds and consciences are corrupted. *They claim to know God, but by their actions they deny him. They are detestable, disobedient and unfit for doing anything good. *
If the mind is defiled, it cannot accurately inform the conscience, so conscience cannot warn the person. When conscience is accurately and fully infused with God’s truth, it functions as the warning system God designed. The MacArthur study Bible
Paul set the matter straight by reminding his readers of the Lord’s teaching that purification is largely a matter of the internal rather than the external (cf. Mark 7:15; Luke 11:39–41). Nothing outside can corrupt one who is internally pure; but someone who is internally impure corrupts all he touches. The problem with the false teachers was that on the inside, in their minds and consciences, they were impure. As a result, even though they claimed to know and follow God, their corrupt actions belied their true natures (cf. 1 John 2:4). The Bible Knowledge Commentary
This is a fascinating verse and much needed today. Paul is referring to the Jewish legalists who were extremists about Old Testament Jewish ceremonial washings. These insisted on the ceremonial washings and were still calling some meats unclean, showing the need for the teaching of Matthew 15:1–20. People today can go to extremes and see something wrong in everything and every person until they separate themselves into total isolation. KJV Bible Commentary.
“To the pure all things are pure” (Titus 1:15) concerns false teaching about dietary laws (1 Tim. 4:2–5). It does not mean that a “pure mind” remains pure after beholding what is impure things. When God’s truth enlightens your conscience, you will know right from wrong and will avoid that which is evil. A defiled conscience is like a dirty window: no light can enter (Matt. 6:22–23). With the Word Bible Commentary
Divine faith rests not on fallible reasonings and opinions of men, but on the infallible Word of God, the truth itself which purifies the heart of the believer. By this mark, judge of new and strange doctrines, and stop the mouths of those who handle the Word of God deceitfully. Summarized Bible
Here's the part I'm not sure about. To me, it seems that once we realize that God cleanses our consciences from guilt and shame, and we've gone to Him in faith believing He would so this, then it seems to me that it would be a sin to continue to hold onto feelings of guilt and shame. It would be like saying He wasn't strong enough or powerful enough to forgive and cleanse us. I don't think it would be a sin though until we were aware that He says He cleanses our consciences. But on this as a whole, whether or not it's actually a sin, I'm just not sure yet. That's why I wanted to share the other information with you too so you could take it to the Lord and see what He says for yourself.
However, if we're still hanging on to feelings of guilt and or shame, it could also be an indicator that we've missed something...that something still hasn't been taken to the Lord. Maybe when we searched our hearts we saw what we thought the problem was and took that to Him, but we just didn't go deep enough when searching.... Again to use myself as an example, lets say I sinned and was speeding; when I searched my heart, the first sin I realized was that I had broken the law and we're told to obey the law. When I continued to search my heart about what I'd done and how sinful it was, I found yet more sins were involved in it and finally got to the root sin which rebellion and selfishness. If I had stopped when I realized that we're supposed to obey the law, thinking that's all there was too it, I wouldn't have taken care of the deeper problem I had. See what I mean? So that's always a possibility if we're still hanging on to those feelings of guilt.
Understanding Forgiveness and Forgiving 7
As far as taking unbelievers to court, that's something we always have to use discernment for as well as of course asking the Lord about it at the time. We'd have to know for sure that we weren't doing it to get revenge or to enforce our own "rights" or something like that. We're to do all things in love, including taking them to court if that's what needs doing. Again, I'm talking about God's kind of love, not the world's kind. God's kind of love says that we need to be told when we sin so that we will know not to do it again. His love says that if we do continue to do it, that we'll then have to pay the consequences of it, such as being taken to court. However, the Lord tells us that if we can avoid taking the unbeliever to court, that we should do so. It's only to be done when we absolutely have to do it and there's no other way around it.
The Lord has a number of reasons for telling us that. One main reason is that He wants us to remember that everything we say and do reflects on Him. We represent Him to the world regardless of whether they're aware of it or not. His main interest is saving the soul of that person, and making them part of our family. Therefore He wants us to act and speak in ways that will cause that person to want to be part of our family.
As you know, being a part of the family of God is very different then being a part of a family here on earth. Just as God's love is different from the world's kind of love, so how it's expressed in His family is different from the way the world defines and perceives families and the way they get along and the way they deal with problems.
One difference between being in God's family is that once you become a member of His family, you can never be thrown out or abandoned as happens here in some families. While we may tease each other about being God's "favorite", we also know that God has no favorites. He loves us all equally and His love for each and every one of us individually is so great that He died for us personally. You simply cannot love someone more then that. That too is different then what we see in the world. In the world when problems arise between family members, they react in the same patterns that Adam and Eve did with that first sin. Remember when we discussed that? God's family is very different - or should be. Instead of reacting by hiding, or blaming, or running away, or any of a number of other sinful reactions, bring problems and disagreements out into the Light in love and work them out in a way that's acceptable to everyone. How can we stay angry with a brother or sister that we love and are going to spend eternity with, especially when we know how sinful we are and what the Lord had to do to save us and make us part of His family? There's a number of other differences too but it would take too long to cover them all.
The problem is that especially during these last days, the body of Christ, our real family, isn't acting the way the Lord has told us to. Instead, many are still acting like the world because they don't know any better. Those who do know and are doing their best to love the way the Lord tells us to though, make a big impression on the unsaved just because it's so different from how the world lives.
One of the biggest differences between God's love and the world's idea of love is that God's kind of love isn't self seeking, instead it's self sacrificing. (1 Cor 13) That's how God wants us to love unbelievers too so that they will hopefully want to be part of our family and are one day saved. It's certainly not the easy way to love someone, as self sacrifice never is, especially when the world has taught us since birth to be the opposite.
The bottom line though is that we're to be loving the unbeliever with God's kind of love when we consider taking them to court for something they did that wronged us. There are legitimate reasons to do so as I've said. One legitimate reason is if an actual crime has been committed. In a case like that it would not be right to try and prevent the person from paying their debt to society. Even Paul said that even if he'd committed a crime that was worthy of death, he wouldn't try to get out of it. (Acts 25:11) He didn't say he'd just repent and ask forgiveness and be done with it. To understand why they have to pay the consequences for their crime, we have to remember that God is the one who instituted human government, and He's the one in control. Daniel 4:25b —Seven times will pass by for you until you acknowledge that the Most High is sovereign over the kingdoms of men and gives them to anyone he wishes. * Of course, we know that He's in control of everything. Realizing this, we can then understand that whatever sentence the court hands down for the unbeliever to serve, is divine justice and not just human justice or vengeance. Yes, sometimes justice is perverted because people choose to sin, but that doesn't mean that God isn't in control because we know that ultimately God will make sure that justice is served. For the purposes of this, all we need to know is that if a crime has been committed, that is one time when the person would have to be taken to court. For that one we don't even need to use discernment since the Lord tells us that straight out.
It's outside of that reason that discernment would be needed. I would think too that it would help if we keep our minds focused on the fact that God wants us to do everything within our power to live in peace with this person and to be an example to them of how He loves us. Romans 12:18 —If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. * We have to also remember that we cannot expect unbelievers to act like us or to have the same morals and ethics etc. and because of that, we can't expect to always have good results. Instead we should simply do our best to please the Lord by making sure we've done all we can to live in peace with this person. That way, if there isn't peace between you when it's over, it will be only because of the unwillingness of the unbeliever and not because of something you've done or failed to do.
The Lord has a number of reasons for telling us that. One main reason is that He wants us to remember that everything we say and do reflects on Him. We represent Him to the world regardless of whether they're aware of it or not. His main interest is saving the soul of that person, and making them part of our family. Therefore He wants us to act and speak in ways that will cause that person to want to be part of our family.
As you know, being a part of the family of God is very different then being a part of a family here on earth. Just as God's love is different from the world's kind of love, so how it's expressed in His family is different from the way the world defines and perceives families and the way they get along and the way they deal with problems.
One difference between being in God's family is that once you become a member of His family, you can never be thrown out or abandoned as happens here in some families. While we may tease each other about being God's "favorite", we also know that God has no favorites. He loves us all equally and His love for each and every one of us individually is so great that He died for us personally. You simply cannot love someone more then that. That too is different then what we see in the world. In the world when problems arise between family members, they react in the same patterns that Adam and Eve did with that first sin. Remember when we discussed that? God's family is very different - or should be. Instead of reacting by hiding, or blaming, or running away, or any of a number of other sinful reactions, bring problems and disagreements out into the Light in love and work them out in a way that's acceptable to everyone. How can we stay angry with a brother or sister that we love and are going to spend eternity with, especially when we know how sinful we are and what the Lord had to do to save us and make us part of His family? There's a number of other differences too but it would take too long to cover them all.
The problem is that especially during these last days, the body of Christ, our real family, isn't acting the way the Lord has told us to. Instead, many are still acting like the world because they don't know any better. Those who do know and are doing their best to love the way the Lord tells us to though, make a big impression on the unsaved just because it's so different from how the world lives.
One of the biggest differences between God's love and the world's idea of love is that God's kind of love isn't self seeking, instead it's self sacrificing. (1 Cor 13) That's how God wants us to love unbelievers too so that they will hopefully want to be part of our family and are one day saved. It's certainly not the easy way to love someone, as self sacrifice never is, especially when the world has taught us since birth to be the opposite.
The bottom line though is that we're to be loving the unbeliever with God's kind of love when we consider taking them to court for something they did that wronged us. There are legitimate reasons to do so as I've said. One legitimate reason is if an actual crime has been committed. In a case like that it would not be right to try and prevent the person from paying their debt to society. Even Paul said that even if he'd committed a crime that was worthy of death, he wouldn't try to get out of it. (Acts 25:11) He didn't say he'd just repent and ask forgiveness and be done with it. To understand why they have to pay the consequences for their crime, we have to remember that God is the one who instituted human government, and He's the one in control. Daniel 4:25b —Seven times will pass by for you until you acknowledge that the Most High is sovereign over the kingdoms of men and gives them to anyone he wishes. * Of course, we know that He's in control of everything. Realizing this, we can then understand that whatever sentence the court hands down for the unbeliever to serve, is divine justice and not just human justice or vengeance. Yes, sometimes justice is perverted because people choose to sin, but that doesn't mean that God isn't in control because we know that ultimately God will make sure that justice is served. For the purposes of this, all we need to know is that if a crime has been committed, that is one time when the person would have to be taken to court. For that one we don't even need to use discernment since the Lord tells us that straight out.
It's outside of that reason that discernment would be needed. I would think too that it would help if we keep our minds focused on the fact that God wants us to do everything within our power to live in peace with this person and to be an example to them of how He loves us. Romans 12:18 —If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. * We have to also remember that we cannot expect unbelievers to act like us or to have the same morals and ethics etc. and because of that, we can't expect to always have good results. Instead we should simply do our best to please the Lord by making sure we've done all we can to live in peace with this person. That way, if there isn't peace between you when it's over, it will be only because of the unwillingness of the unbeliever and not because of something you've done or failed to do.
Just as a reminder of where we left off....Someone has sinned against us and it's such a big sin that we feel that it must be brought to their attention so they can repent and we can forgive them. Did you notice why we're bringing it to their attention? It's not at all the way the world does things. If we were doing it the world's way, we'd be bringing it to their attention to make them feel badly about how they treated us. The world's way is all about us. God's way is all about them. Doing this God's way, our hearts will be broken not because they hurt us, but because they hurt their relationship with the Lord and we desperately want to see their relationship with Him restored. Of course, when their relationship with Him is restored, our relationship with them will also be restored.
When you are dealing with another believer, you already know certain important things about them. You know:
1. They love the Lord just like you do
2. They would never intentionally do anything to displease Him
3. That they will be together with you in Heaven for eternity
4. And you probably have some idea of where they are in their walk with Him..whether they're more or less mature in their faith then you are of maybe at about the same level.
The more mature someone is in their faith, the quicker they'll be to admit their sin and repent of it. (Unless of course there really wasn't a sin but instead a misunderstanding which they're able to explain to you) It's the sin nature that wants to defend ourselves and say we didn't sin, or make excuses for it or blame it on someone else, and the more mature we are, the better control we've gained over that because as we mature we realize more and more just how sinful we really are. Knowing this will help us know how to confront the other person about their sin. We'll know that if they're pretty mature in their faith that we can be more straightforward with them, whereas with someone who's still young in their faith, we'll have to be more tactful so they don't feel like we're attacking them.
As I've had to do this a number of times, and have made many mistakes in the process, hopefully I can help you guys and you can learn from my mistakes. At least that way they won't have been for nothing. i think maybe one of my biggest problems was forgetting that the person I was confronting couldn't read my mind. That may sound silly, but it's true. We tend to think that everyone understands what we're saying and why we're saying it, but a lot of times that simply isn't true. That can cause problems anytime, but when dealing with sin, it can cause even bigger problems because the person may feel that their faith is being attacked or their character is being attacked, even though that's the very last thing you'd ever think of doing. Those of us who live with pain have to be extra careful here as the pain affects our memories too and we may think we told someone things we didn't. This is especially true in this area because we've likely been thinking and praying about it for some time before we actually confront the person, so we need to be careful to always make ourselves very clear. Better to assume that the person doesn't know anything and you haven't said anything then to assume they do know.
In fact, I've made it a rule for myself that no matter what, each time I have to confront someone about their sin, that I do so assuming that they don't know anything at all and that I haven't said anything at all to them before. That way there's less likely a chance of them taking it the wrong way.
Another rule I've made for myself after many errors is that when I've decided that a sin is something that has to be confronted rather then simply covered with love, that I have to wait and pray about it again before taking any steps to confront the person. During that time I check my motives for making that decision and try to put myself in the other persons shoes...I remind myself that the reason for confronting someone is so their relationship with the Lord and with me can be restored and ask myself if there's any way my relationship with this person could be restored without me confronting them about this particular sin. If there is, then I know I don't need to confront them about it.
Keep in mind that while you are not obligated to forgive someone when they don't repent, and in fact, can't forgive them if they don't repent, you ARE obligated to try and bring them to repentance. That's what this whole thing is really about. Plus the whole time this is going on, you're also obligated to have a genuine desire to forgive them and be reconciled with them. OK, now let's say we've gotten to the point of having to "tell it to the Church".
Matthew 18:17–20 —If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector. *“I tell you the truth, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven. *“Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. *For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them.” *
Step 4 when the person still hasn't repented. Now you and the whole congregation must treat this person as though they are not a brother in Christ. No more invites to dinner, or going out to play golf or whatever. The point is to treat the person more like an acquaintance. You obviously know them, but you're to treat them as though they were someone you're not emotionally close to. That doesn't mean you can't talk to them at all. You can let them know you'll be praying for them and that you care, but that's about it. The whole point is to cause them to feel the separation from the rest of the family and to cause them to want to return, which can only happen if they repent. Now, it's not just you involved though. If it was, this probably wouldn't work since your relationship with them was already strained because of the sin between you so you weren't talking to them a lot anymore anyway. Now though the entire church is involved. The whole congregation is treating them as though they're just an acquaintance instead of a beloved member of the family.
That can be humiliating and painful if the church members are normally really close and loving with each other like they're supposed to be. In our day though, that's usually not the case, but still, for now we're looking at how it's supposed to be done and assuming that the church does act the way they're supposed to toward each other. What has to be remembered here is that this isn't a power play by the church. It's not done to make the person do what the pastor wants them to. It's done to heal the relationship between the sinner and God and between the sinner and every member of the church. It's to remind them and everyone else that what happens to one member affects all members of the Church.
1 Corinthians 12:26–27 —If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it. *Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it. *
We don't normally think about ourselves being part of the body of Christ. We're used to thinking of ourselves as individuals and that's what the world encourages us to do. God tells us though that we are each a part of the Body of Christ and that Jesus is the head of that body. Therefore, what one person does, affects everyone else in that body. This is a big deal.... it's much bigger then belonging to a private club. there is an actual connection between each and every believer, just as there's a connection between your hand and your arm. The problem is that we can't see the connection physically so to us it doesn't exist. But it's there, we know it is because God says so. We are one body in Christ. The reason we can't see the connection is because it's spiritual. Look at these two verses:
Romans 12:5 —so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. *
1 Corinthians 7:4 —The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. *
We're not used to thinking of the body of Christ this way or ourselves, but it's true. Just as the wife's body doesn't belong only to her, but to her husband too, so our body doesn't just belong to us, but to all who are saved! Amazing isn't it? That's one reason we're told to submit to one another and put each others needs before our own.
It helped me to think of it the way I do my real physical body. When I get an infection, I'm contagious and that infection can spread to other people if I'm not careful and don't take care of myself and get it treated properly. In fact, even just in my body, an infection can spread from one small area to my blood and my entire body can become infected. Sin is a lot like an infection in our body. When one of us sins against another believer, it can spread if not taken care of properly. That sin can spread in us, becoming bigger, nastier and harder to cure and it can spread to others, causing yet more sin. When we or someone else sins, we lose connection with Jesus, our relationship with Him is affected and so not as close as it should be. Because of that, we can't grow until we've taken care of the problem and repented of it. If we can't grow, that affects the other members negatively too.
Colossians 2:19 —He has lost connection with the Head, from whom the whole body, supported and held together by its ligaments and sinews, grows as God causes it to grow. *
This is the part of the whole procedure where those other verses come into play. The ones about binding and loosing and about when two or more agree that it'll be done. That doesn't mean that we make the rules and God follows them by the way. In fact, it's the opposite because neither you or the pastor or anyone involved in this would consider doing something contrary to God's Word.
Matthew 18:17–20 —If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector. *“I tell you the truth, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven. *“Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. *For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them.” *
The two agreeing is referring to you and the witnesses you originally called to help you with this and of course the Pastor. (they're still involved as they went to the pastor with you, remember?). To bind or loose here is talking about forgiving or not forgiving sin. What the church decides will be determined by what the person does and what God's Word says is to be done because of their decision. Obviously the sin would be forgiven if the person repented, as that's what God tells us to do. If the person doesn't repent, God tells us to excommunicate them and treat them as though they were someone to be evangelized. So nowhere is this about making up new rules or anything like that. It's simply about applying God's Word in this situation. If the person still refuses to repent then the church says that the person is bound in sin - it agrees with God's Word that the person is bound in sin and put them out of the congregation so that they won't contaminate the rest of the members.
Again, this is not about deciding if we should or shouldn't forgive.... we always forgive when the person repents. Binding and loosing is just repeating what God has already said. When the sinner does repent, then He will be loosed from sin and can rejoin the congregation as a member in good standing for he will be forgiven. When that happens the Pastor will then announce that he has been loosed from sin and welcome him back, inviting the congregation to welcome him back as their brother.
Do you remember when Paul was telling the Corinthians what to do about a man that had sinned and wouldn't repent? Let me show you those verses. You might see them a bit differently now in light of what we've just learned.
1 Corinthians 5:4–5 —When you are assembled in the name of our Lord Jesus and I am with you in spirit, and the power of our Lord Jesus is present, *hand this man over to Satan, so that the sinful nature may be destroyed and his spirit saved on the day of the Lord.
Do you see it? Paul illustrates for us here, what these verses we've been talking about mean. He told them that when they were assembled together, so there's obviously be more then two or three of them there, that they were to declare the man bound in sin and excommunicate him so that he wouldn't contaminate the rest of the congregation.
It's very unlikely that any of us will ever have to do something like this, but it could happen.
When you are dealing with another believer, you already know certain important things about them. You know:
1. They love the Lord just like you do
2. They would never intentionally do anything to displease Him
3. That they will be together with you in Heaven for eternity
4. And you probably have some idea of where they are in their walk with Him..whether they're more or less mature in their faith then you are of maybe at about the same level.
The more mature someone is in their faith, the quicker they'll be to admit their sin and repent of it. (Unless of course there really wasn't a sin but instead a misunderstanding which they're able to explain to you) It's the sin nature that wants to defend ourselves and say we didn't sin, or make excuses for it or blame it on someone else, and the more mature we are, the better control we've gained over that because as we mature we realize more and more just how sinful we really are. Knowing this will help us know how to confront the other person about their sin. We'll know that if they're pretty mature in their faith that we can be more straightforward with them, whereas with someone who's still young in their faith, we'll have to be more tactful so they don't feel like we're attacking them.
As I've had to do this a number of times, and have made many mistakes in the process, hopefully I can help you guys and you can learn from my mistakes. At least that way they won't have been for nothing. i think maybe one of my biggest problems was forgetting that the person I was confronting couldn't read my mind. That may sound silly, but it's true. We tend to think that everyone understands what we're saying and why we're saying it, but a lot of times that simply isn't true. That can cause problems anytime, but when dealing with sin, it can cause even bigger problems because the person may feel that their faith is being attacked or their character is being attacked, even though that's the very last thing you'd ever think of doing. Those of us who live with pain have to be extra careful here as the pain affects our memories too and we may think we told someone things we didn't. This is especially true in this area because we've likely been thinking and praying about it for some time before we actually confront the person, so we need to be careful to always make ourselves very clear. Better to assume that the person doesn't know anything and you haven't said anything then to assume they do know.
In fact, I've made it a rule for myself that no matter what, each time I have to confront someone about their sin, that I do so assuming that they don't know anything at all and that I haven't said anything at all to them before. That way there's less likely a chance of them taking it the wrong way.
Another rule I've made for myself after many errors is that when I've decided that a sin is something that has to be confronted rather then simply covered with love, that I have to wait and pray about it again before taking any steps to confront the person. During that time I check my motives for making that decision and try to put myself in the other persons shoes...I remind myself that the reason for confronting someone is so their relationship with the Lord and with me can be restored and ask myself if there's any way my relationship with this person could be restored without me confronting them about this particular sin. If there is, then I know I don't need to confront them about it.
Keep in mind that while you are not obligated to forgive someone when they don't repent, and in fact, can't forgive them if they don't repent, you ARE obligated to try and bring them to repentance. That's what this whole thing is really about. Plus the whole time this is going on, you're also obligated to have a genuine desire to forgive them and be reconciled with them. OK, now let's say we've gotten to the point of having to "tell it to the Church".
Matthew 18:17–20 —If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector. *“I tell you the truth, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven. *“Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. *For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them.” *
Step 4 when the person still hasn't repented. Now you and the whole congregation must treat this person as though they are not a brother in Christ. No more invites to dinner, or going out to play golf or whatever. The point is to treat the person more like an acquaintance. You obviously know them, but you're to treat them as though they were someone you're not emotionally close to. That doesn't mean you can't talk to them at all. You can let them know you'll be praying for them and that you care, but that's about it. The whole point is to cause them to feel the separation from the rest of the family and to cause them to want to return, which can only happen if they repent. Now, it's not just you involved though. If it was, this probably wouldn't work since your relationship with them was already strained because of the sin between you so you weren't talking to them a lot anymore anyway. Now though the entire church is involved. The whole congregation is treating them as though they're just an acquaintance instead of a beloved member of the family.
That can be humiliating and painful if the church members are normally really close and loving with each other like they're supposed to be. In our day though, that's usually not the case, but still, for now we're looking at how it's supposed to be done and assuming that the church does act the way they're supposed to toward each other. What has to be remembered here is that this isn't a power play by the church. It's not done to make the person do what the pastor wants them to. It's done to heal the relationship between the sinner and God and between the sinner and every member of the church. It's to remind them and everyone else that what happens to one member affects all members of the Church.
1 Corinthians 12:26–27 —If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it. *Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it. *
We don't normally think about ourselves being part of the body of Christ. We're used to thinking of ourselves as individuals and that's what the world encourages us to do. God tells us though that we are each a part of the Body of Christ and that Jesus is the head of that body. Therefore, what one person does, affects everyone else in that body. This is a big deal.... it's much bigger then belonging to a private club. there is an actual connection between each and every believer, just as there's a connection between your hand and your arm. The problem is that we can't see the connection physically so to us it doesn't exist. But it's there, we know it is because God says so. We are one body in Christ. The reason we can't see the connection is because it's spiritual. Look at these two verses:
Romans 12:5 —so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. *
1 Corinthians 7:4 —The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. *
We're not used to thinking of the body of Christ this way or ourselves, but it's true. Just as the wife's body doesn't belong only to her, but to her husband too, so our body doesn't just belong to us, but to all who are saved! Amazing isn't it? That's one reason we're told to submit to one another and put each others needs before our own.
It helped me to think of it the way I do my real physical body. When I get an infection, I'm contagious and that infection can spread to other people if I'm not careful and don't take care of myself and get it treated properly. In fact, even just in my body, an infection can spread from one small area to my blood and my entire body can become infected. Sin is a lot like an infection in our body. When one of us sins against another believer, it can spread if not taken care of properly. That sin can spread in us, becoming bigger, nastier and harder to cure and it can spread to others, causing yet more sin. When we or someone else sins, we lose connection with Jesus, our relationship with Him is affected and so not as close as it should be. Because of that, we can't grow until we've taken care of the problem and repented of it. If we can't grow, that affects the other members negatively too.
Colossians 2:19 —He has lost connection with the Head, from whom the whole body, supported and held together by its ligaments and sinews, grows as God causes it to grow. *
This is the part of the whole procedure where those other verses come into play. The ones about binding and loosing and about when two or more agree that it'll be done. That doesn't mean that we make the rules and God follows them by the way. In fact, it's the opposite because neither you or the pastor or anyone involved in this would consider doing something contrary to God's Word.
Matthew 18:17–20 —If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector. *“I tell you the truth, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven. *“Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. *For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them.” *
The two agreeing is referring to you and the witnesses you originally called to help you with this and of course the Pastor. (they're still involved as they went to the pastor with you, remember?). To bind or loose here is talking about forgiving or not forgiving sin. What the church decides will be determined by what the person does and what God's Word says is to be done because of their decision. Obviously the sin would be forgiven if the person repented, as that's what God tells us to do. If the person doesn't repent, God tells us to excommunicate them and treat them as though they were someone to be evangelized. So nowhere is this about making up new rules or anything like that. It's simply about applying God's Word in this situation. If the person still refuses to repent then the church says that the person is bound in sin - it agrees with God's Word that the person is bound in sin and put them out of the congregation so that they won't contaminate the rest of the members.
Again, this is not about deciding if we should or shouldn't forgive.... we always forgive when the person repents. Binding and loosing is just repeating what God has already said. When the sinner does repent, then He will be loosed from sin and can rejoin the congregation as a member in good standing for he will be forgiven. When that happens the Pastor will then announce that he has been loosed from sin and welcome him back, inviting the congregation to welcome him back as their brother.
Do you remember when Paul was telling the Corinthians what to do about a man that had sinned and wouldn't repent? Let me show you those verses. You might see them a bit differently now in light of what we've just learned.
1 Corinthians 5:4–5 —When you are assembled in the name of our Lord Jesus and I am with you in spirit, and the power of our Lord Jesus is present, *hand this man over to Satan, so that the sinful nature may be destroyed and his spirit saved on the day of the Lord.
Do you see it? Paul illustrates for us here, what these verses we've been talking about mean. He told them that when they were assembled together, so there's obviously be more then two or three of them there, that they were to declare the man bound in sin and excommunicate him so that he wouldn't contaminate the rest of the congregation.
It's very unlikely that any of us will ever have to do something like this, but it could happen.
Understanding Forgiveness and Forgiving 6
Let's look at what to do if it's a believer who's sinned against you and it's something big enough that you feel you can't just cover it with love and forgive them in your heart. The Lord gave us specific instructions on what to do when this happens. He even tells us what to do if the person refuses to repent. Let's look at the scriptures:
Matt. 18:15–20 “If your brother sins against you, go and convict him of his sin privately, with just the two of you present. If he listens to you, you have won your brother. But if he won’t listen to you, take with you one or two others so that by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be confirmed. And if he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen to the church, treat him like a Gentile and a tax collector. Let Me assure you that whatever you bind on earth shall have been bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth shall have been loosed in heaven. Again, I tell you that if two of you agree on earth about anything they ask, it will be done for them by My Father in the heavens. Where two or three meet together in My Name, I am there among them.”
Ask yourself this...if we were supposed to forgive people even if they didn't repent, then why would the Lord give us this process to follow, since this whole process is designed to bring the person to repentance? If it was acceptable for us to simply say, "I forgive you" and walk away, then this process wouldn't be needed, would it?
Did you notice too that each time the person doesn't repent, the Lord requires that more and more people become involved in the effort, and that the effort isn't just forgiveness but to bring about reconciliation? We can't just say "I forgive you" and walk away, if they don't repent, because if we do that, there would still be a problem between you that was unresolved and would cause friction and more problems as time went by. The Lord isn't just interested in forgiveness being given and received; He wants and even commands us to love each other, so what He's interested in here is reconciliation between you and the person who sinned against you. There's only one way reconciliation can happen and that's if the person who sinned against you truly repents.
Think about it. If someone has stomped on your toes over and over, you're not going to want to be around them and when you are around them you're going to be really careful not to let them anywhere near your toes again aren't you? You won't trust them. They may even try to do it again or may start another fight with you because you're avoiding them. Or maybe you'd start getting angry and want to stomp on their toes... You both start watching each other and every little thing the other person says and does is no longer seen through eyes of love, but is instead seen through eyes of suspicion and distrust. That's what happens when there is no repentance or when nothing is done about the matter. Friendships are destroyed. We can't allow that to happen with a brother or sister in Christ, because ours is more then friendship. Our relationship with them is as a family member that we will spend all eternity with. We can't allow that to happen too because our Lord commands us to love one another; and He commands us to go tell the brother/sister about their sin so this won't happen. He wants us reconciled - with Him and with each other!
I have a feeling that you noticed something else right away too, and that's that the last verses about binding and loosing and the one about people gathered together in His Name, are included in this. That's not a mistake. Those verses when read in context are concerning forgiveness and church discipline and take into account the OT law that two or three witnesses are needed to establish the truth of anything. Deuteronomy 19:15 —One witness is not enough to convict a man accused of any crime or offense he may have committed. A matter must be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses. *
Step 1: When a believer sins against you, you, the person sinned against (remember, the one with the sore toes goes) goes to them and confronts them lovingly about their sin. You speak the truth in love and with love. You have already spoken to the Lord about it and have asked Him to soften your heart and to remove any bitterness or anger from your heart and asked Him to give you the right words to speak to this person when you go to see them. Having dealt with this issue with the Lord already, you are no longer interested in being right, or getting revenge, or making a point. All you're interested in is helping this person so that they understand that what they did was a sin so they won't do it again, because you know that they love the Lord and they don't want to displease Him; and of course you also very much want to be reconciled with this person. Those are the only reasons you're going to see them.
I would assume that you called the person and told them that you needed to speak to them and asked if you could come over and they said "yes". You go over and tell them what's on your heart. If after listening to you, they repent of their sin, then you can forgive them, promising to never bring it up to them, yourself, or others again. Your relationship is restored and maybe you both hug and the visit ends with both of you praising the Lord and feeling joy at your reunion.
But what if they just don't see it? What if they still think they haven't sinned? Well, then you cannot forgive them. For one thing, as far as they're concerned, there's nothing to forgive since they don't think they've sinned. They may even say that you're the one sinning because your picking on them or something along those lines.
There's another reason you can't forgive them though. You can't forgive them because you cannot make the promise that you won't bring it up again. You can't make that promise because Jesus commands us to next go tell two or three other people about the matter and then bring them with you to see the person. So if you'd made such a promise, you'd have to break it immediately in order to obey the Lord. That's yet another reason we can know that we can't forgive someone that hasn't repented. Because the Lord is not going to tell us to make a promise that would prevent us from obeying His clear command to go tell others about it.
Step 2 if the person hasn't repented: You now need to find 2 or 3 other people that are aware of the sin and ask them to go with you to confront the person about it. I wish I could say that would be easy to do, but it may not be. Many churches today don't teach the truth anymore or at least not all of it. Therefore many Christians are unaware of how to forgive someone or what it means, as well as being unaware of taking others to speak to the person with us. They may think you're ganging up on the person and want no part of it due to their lack of understanding.
Don't lose heart if this is true. Instead, first use this as an opportunity to help them understand about forgiveness. Explain to them what's involved and why you want to go speak to the person; what your goals are. Once they realize it's not about revenge or being right, but that you truly love the person and want to help them, they may just change their mind and go with you, plus you will have helped them understand more of God's Word so that they too can grow in their faith. You may even wind up with some new friends or a bible study partner!
If it doesn't work that way though, you'll have to keep looking till you can find at least one other person to go with you. I'd strongly suggest that if you haven't already, that you pray and ask the Lord to guide you to the person(s) who He wants to have go with you, and then start calling people. If nothing else, perhaps your spouse can go with you.
You may be wondering how you're going to bring the subject up etc. It's sad, but today many of us don't know the other people at church. Oh sure, I knew many of their names or at least knew them by sight - I recognized them in other words. I even knew a little bit about some of them - like if they were married or had kids. But we weren't close. Yeah, we gave each other hugs every Sunday and I loved them as a sister or brother in Christ, but it wasn't an active love since I didn't really know them; hadn't been to their house and they'd never been to mine; never talked to them on the phone, etc. A good word to describe the relationships with other church members is "superficial". (Concerned with only what is apparent or obvious; shallow)
That's not how the Lord intended for the Church to be. It's supposed to be a family, close and loving and very involved with each. The members of our local church should be our very best friends. They should know all about us and we should know all about them. In a family atmosphere like that, it wouldn't be a surprise to have someone call you up and ask your help with another member that had sinned. They'd be immediately concerned and willing to help anyway they could. That's how it was when the church was first started, but it's deteriorated a great deal since then. But, with the Lord's help, we're bound to find at least one other person to go with us. Remember, He's not going to tell us to do something that's impossible. Not even in our day. He will make sure that there's someone to go with you. Your job is to find them with His help.
So you take the 1-3 people with you and after calling the person and setting up a time to see them, you all go to see them together. Together you again lovingly confront them about their sin and try to help them see that it was a sin. If after hearing from you all, the person agrees and repents of their sin, you can forgive them, promising not to bring it up to anyone ever again. Everyone leaves rejoicing.
Step 3: If the person still refuses to admit their sin and repent, then you still cannot forgive them as you still cannot make that promise, as the Lord has told us to try one more time. I'm sure you're realizing by now, that while you are not obligated to forgive someone when they don't repent, and in fact, can't forgive them if they don't repent, you ARE obligated to try and bring them to repentance. That's what this whole thing is really about. Plus the whole time this is going on, you're also obligated to have a genuine desire to forgive them and be reconciled with them.
Let's be real about this though. Each time the person refuses to repent, we're most likely to react by feeling angry and hurt. Notice that I said "react". whenever we "react" we're acting on our emotions and letting them control us instead of the other way around. The Lord tells us though that we're to be in control of our thoughts and emotions, which means of course that we need to take those thoughts about being angry and hurt captive and replace them with the Truth. At first though there may not even be a conscious thought - it might be just the feelings. In that case we need to dig the thought out that's behind the feelings with some self talk. We need to ask ourselves why we're feeling hurt and angry.
I can give you one big hint to get you started in the right direction of where the feelings are coming from: the thoughts causing them have to do with "self". Sometimes it's self pity or can deteriorate into self pity if it's dwelled on, but it's always self centered rather then other or God centered. We'll be discussing this more later, but I wanted to point out to you that when the person doesn't repent right away, it means that we're going to have to deal with our thoughts and emotions and keep them in line in order to obey the Lord. This will mean continuing to talk to the Lord about what's going on, how we feel about it etc and asking for His help to deal with it and His help in taking our thoughts and feelings captive. We'll need to ask Him to give us a clean heart and to create a right spirit within us about it, like David did.
We're also going to have to keep fresh in our minds that forgiveness is not about how we feel, it's a decision and a commitment. We can be upset and still forgive someone. At the same time however, we do want to be in the best frame of mind we can be in when we go see the person, so it's still important to take our thoughts captive and not let them run away from us. We want to "act" when we go see this person, not "react". After all, where would we be if the Lord hadn't forgiven us when we were still His enemies? What if He had "reacted" to us as anyone would toward an enemy, instead of purposely acting out His intention to forgive us?
Step 3 involves taking the matter up with the church, which actually involves more then one step on your part. Your first move would be to go to either the Pastor or elders of your church and tell them about the problem and ask their help. By this alone you can see that if the sin that's been committed is something minor, you're going to wind up very embarrassed, since it's something that should be covered by love. You'll have to explain to them what the problem is and what you've done to bring about reconciliation so far. At that point the elders would decide to go with you to tell the pastor about it as he will have to be the one handling the church discipline. The pastor would then need to call a meeting with the person that sinned against you. Generally, the elders and the 1-3 people that went with you before will also be present at the meeting along with anyone else the pastor feels should attend. Once again the person would be encouraged to repent of their sin. If they do, then you and the others would forgive them at that point, promising not to bring it up again. Here also, help would also be offered if appropriate, to help the person overcome the sin.
Actually this is true at each stage when the person does repent. We need to be ready to act on our desire to help the person and be reconciled. So if they ask for help, and it's something we can do, we need to be ready to give it. It might be being their accountability partner, or keeping them covered in prayer, or both. Or it might be helping them find a biblical counselor if the pastor himself doesn't do it. Or it could be something normal as helping them come up with a budget and work with their finances.
However, if the person still refuses to repent, then it will be time for the entire church to become involved. At this point the pastor will have to tell the whole church what has happened and that the person has refused to repent and is therefore in accordance with the Lord's commands, being put out of the congregation until he does. The pastor will most likely then explain to the congregation what that means as far as how they are to relate to this person, which of course includes you. We'll call this, step 4.
Step 4 when the person still hasn't repented. Now you and the whole congregation must treat this person as though they are not a brother in Christ. No more invites to dinner, or going out to play golf or whatever. The point is to treat the person more like an acquaintance. You obviously know them, but you're to treat them as though they were someone you're not emotionally close to. That doesn't mean you can't talk to them at all. You can let them know you'll be praying for them and that you care, but that's about it. The whole point is to cause them to feel the separation from the rest of the family and to cause them to want to return, which can only happen if they repent.
Matt. 18:15–20 “If your brother sins against you, go and convict him of his sin privately, with just the two of you present. If he listens to you, you have won your brother. But if he won’t listen to you, take with you one or two others so that by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be confirmed. And if he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen to the church, treat him like a Gentile and a tax collector. Let Me assure you that whatever you bind on earth shall have been bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth shall have been loosed in heaven. Again, I tell you that if two of you agree on earth about anything they ask, it will be done for them by My Father in the heavens. Where two or three meet together in My Name, I am there among them.”
Ask yourself this...if we were supposed to forgive people even if they didn't repent, then why would the Lord give us this process to follow, since this whole process is designed to bring the person to repentance? If it was acceptable for us to simply say, "I forgive you" and walk away, then this process wouldn't be needed, would it?
Did you notice too that each time the person doesn't repent, the Lord requires that more and more people become involved in the effort, and that the effort isn't just forgiveness but to bring about reconciliation? We can't just say "I forgive you" and walk away, if they don't repent, because if we do that, there would still be a problem between you that was unresolved and would cause friction and more problems as time went by. The Lord isn't just interested in forgiveness being given and received; He wants and even commands us to love each other, so what He's interested in here is reconciliation between you and the person who sinned against you. There's only one way reconciliation can happen and that's if the person who sinned against you truly repents.
Think about it. If someone has stomped on your toes over and over, you're not going to want to be around them and when you are around them you're going to be really careful not to let them anywhere near your toes again aren't you? You won't trust them. They may even try to do it again or may start another fight with you because you're avoiding them. Or maybe you'd start getting angry and want to stomp on their toes... You both start watching each other and every little thing the other person says and does is no longer seen through eyes of love, but is instead seen through eyes of suspicion and distrust. That's what happens when there is no repentance or when nothing is done about the matter. Friendships are destroyed. We can't allow that to happen with a brother or sister in Christ, because ours is more then friendship. Our relationship with them is as a family member that we will spend all eternity with. We can't allow that to happen too because our Lord commands us to love one another; and He commands us to go tell the brother/sister about their sin so this won't happen. He wants us reconciled - with Him and with each other!
I have a feeling that you noticed something else right away too, and that's that the last verses about binding and loosing and the one about people gathered together in His Name, are included in this. That's not a mistake. Those verses when read in context are concerning forgiveness and church discipline and take into account the OT law that two or three witnesses are needed to establish the truth of anything. Deuteronomy 19:15 —One witness is not enough to convict a man accused of any crime or offense he may have committed. A matter must be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses. *
Step 1: When a believer sins against you, you, the person sinned against (remember, the one with the sore toes goes) goes to them and confronts them lovingly about their sin. You speak the truth in love and with love. You have already spoken to the Lord about it and have asked Him to soften your heart and to remove any bitterness or anger from your heart and asked Him to give you the right words to speak to this person when you go to see them. Having dealt with this issue with the Lord already, you are no longer interested in being right, or getting revenge, or making a point. All you're interested in is helping this person so that they understand that what they did was a sin so they won't do it again, because you know that they love the Lord and they don't want to displease Him; and of course you also very much want to be reconciled with this person. Those are the only reasons you're going to see them.
I would assume that you called the person and told them that you needed to speak to them and asked if you could come over and they said "yes". You go over and tell them what's on your heart. If after listening to you, they repent of their sin, then you can forgive them, promising to never bring it up to them, yourself, or others again. Your relationship is restored and maybe you both hug and the visit ends with both of you praising the Lord and feeling joy at your reunion.
But what if they just don't see it? What if they still think they haven't sinned? Well, then you cannot forgive them. For one thing, as far as they're concerned, there's nothing to forgive since they don't think they've sinned. They may even say that you're the one sinning because your picking on them or something along those lines.
There's another reason you can't forgive them though. You can't forgive them because you cannot make the promise that you won't bring it up again. You can't make that promise because Jesus commands us to next go tell two or three other people about the matter and then bring them with you to see the person. So if you'd made such a promise, you'd have to break it immediately in order to obey the Lord. That's yet another reason we can know that we can't forgive someone that hasn't repented. Because the Lord is not going to tell us to make a promise that would prevent us from obeying His clear command to go tell others about it.
Step 2 if the person hasn't repented: You now need to find 2 or 3 other people that are aware of the sin and ask them to go with you to confront the person about it. I wish I could say that would be easy to do, but it may not be. Many churches today don't teach the truth anymore or at least not all of it. Therefore many Christians are unaware of how to forgive someone or what it means, as well as being unaware of taking others to speak to the person with us. They may think you're ganging up on the person and want no part of it due to their lack of understanding.
Don't lose heart if this is true. Instead, first use this as an opportunity to help them understand about forgiveness. Explain to them what's involved and why you want to go speak to the person; what your goals are. Once they realize it's not about revenge or being right, but that you truly love the person and want to help them, they may just change their mind and go with you, plus you will have helped them understand more of God's Word so that they too can grow in their faith. You may even wind up with some new friends or a bible study partner!
If it doesn't work that way though, you'll have to keep looking till you can find at least one other person to go with you. I'd strongly suggest that if you haven't already, that you pray and ask the Lord to guide you to the person(s) who He wants to have go with you, and then start calling people. If nothing else, perhaps your spouse can go with you.
You may be wondering how you're going to bring the subject up etc. It's sad, but today many of us don't know the other people at church. Oh sure, I knew many of their names or at least knew them by sight - I recognized them in other words. I even knew a little bit about some of them - like if they were married or had kids. But we weren't close. Yeah, we gave each other hugs every Sunday and I loved them as a sister or brother in Christ, but it wasn't an active love since I didn't really know them; hadn't been to their house and they'd never been to mine; never talked to them on the phone, etc. A good word to describe the relationships with other church members is "superficial". (Concerned with only what is apparent or obvious; shallow)
That's not how the Lord intended for the Church to be. It's supposed to be a family, close and loving and very involved with each. The members of our local church should be our very best friends. They should know all about us and we should know all about them. In a family atmosphere like that, it wouldn't be a surprise to have someone call you up and ask your help with another member that had sinned. They'd be immediately concerned and willing to help anyway they could. That's how it was when the church was first started, but it's deteriorated a great deal since then. But, with the Lord's help, we're bound to find at least one other person to go with us. Remember, He's not going to tell us to do something that's impossible. Not even in our day. He will make sure that there's someone to go with you. Your job is to find them with His help.
So you take the 1-3 people with you and after calling the person and setting up a time to see them, you all go to see them together. Together you again lovingly confront them about their sin and try to help them see that it was a sin. If after hearing from you all, the person agrees and repents of their sin, you can forgive them, promising not to bring it up to anyone ever again. Everyone leaves rejoicing.
Step 3: If the person still refuses to admit their sin and repent, then you still cannot forgive them as you still cannot make that promise, as the Lord has told us to try one more time. I'm sure you're realizing by now, that while you are not obligated to forgive someone when they don't repent, and in fact, can't forgive them if they don't repent, you ARE obligated to try and bring them to repentance. That's what this whole thing is really about. Plus the whole time this is going on, you're also obligated to have a genuine desire to forgive them and be reconciled with them.
Let's be real about this though. Each time the person refuses to repent, we're most likely to react by feeling angry and hurt. Notice that I said "react". whenever we "react" we're acting on our emotions and letting them control us instead of the other way around. The Lord tells us though that we're to be in control of our thoughts and emotions, which means of course that we need to take those thoughts about being angry and hurt captive and replace them with the Truth. At first though there may not even be a conscious thought - it might be just the feelings. In that case we need to dig the thought out that's behind the feelings with some self talk. We need to ask ourselves why we're feeling hurt and angry.
I can give you one big hint to get you started in the right direction of where the feelings are coming from: the thoughts causing them have to do with "self". Sometimes it's self pity or can deteriorate into self pity if it's dwelled on, but it's always self centered rather then other or God centered. We'll be discussing this more later, but I wanted to point out to you that when the person doesn't repent right away, it means that we're going to have to deal with our thoughts and emotions and keep them in line in order to obey the Lord. This will mean continuing to talk to the Lord about what's going on, how we feel about it etc and asking for His help to deal with it and His help in taking our thoughts and feelings captive. We'll need to ask Him to give us a clean heart and to create a right spirit within us about it, like David did.
We're also going to have to keep fresh in our minds that forgiveness is not about how we feel, it's a decision and a commitment. We can be upset and still forgive someone. At the same time however, we do want to be in the best frame of mind we can be in when we go see the person, so it's still important to take our thoughts captive and not let them run away from us. We want to "act" when we go see this person, not "react". After all, where would we be if the Lord hadn't forgiven us when we were still His enemies? What if He had "reacted" to us as anyone would toward an enemy, instead of purposely acting out His intention to forgive us?
Step 3 involves taking the matter up with the church, which actually involves more then one step on your part. Your first move would be to go to either the Pastor or elders of your church and tell them about the problem and ask their help. By this alone you can see that if the sin that's been committed is something minor, you're going to wind up very embarrassed, since it's something that should be covered by love. You'll have to explain to them what the problem is and what you've done to bring about reconciliation so far. At that point the elders would decide to go with you to tell the pastor about it as he will have to be the one handling the church discipline. The pastor would then need to call a meeting with the person that sinned against you. Generally, the elders and the 1-3 people that went with you before will also be present at the meeting along with anyone else the pastor feels should attend. Once again the person would be encouraged to repent of their sin. If they do, then you and the others would forgive them at that point, promising not to bring it up again. Here also, help would also be offered if appropriate, to help the person overcome the sin.
Actually this is true at each stage when the person does repent. We need to be ready to act on our desire to help the person and be reconciled. So if they ask for help, and it's something we can do, we need to be ready to give it. It might be being their accountability partner, or keeping them covered in prayer, or both. Or it might be helping them find a biblical counselor if the pastor himself doesn't do it. Or it could be something normal as helping them come up with a budget and work with their finances.
However, if the person still refuses to repent, then it will be time for the entire church to become involved. At this point the pastor will have to tell the whole church what has happened and that the person has refused to repent and is therefore in accordance with the Lord's commands, being put out of the congregation until he does. The pastor will most likely then explain to the congregation what that means as far as how they are to relate to this person, which of course includes you. We'll call this, step 4.
Step 4 when the person still hasn't repented. Now you and the whole congregation must treat this person as though they are not a brother in Christ. No more invites to dinner, or going out to play golf or whatever. The point is to treat the person more like an acquaintance. You obviously know them, but you're to treat them as though they were someone you're not emotionally close to. That doesn't mean you can't talk to them at all. You can let them know you'll be praying for them and that you care, but that's about it. The whole point is to cause them to feel the separation from the rest of the family and to cause them to want to return, which can only happen if they repent.
Understanding Forgiveness and Forgiving 5
Let's be clear that forgiveness is promising another that you will never bring up their offense again to use it against them, not to them, yourself, or anyone else and has nothing to do with your feelings.
We forgive most offenses by taking them to God and forgiving them in our hearts to Him. In other words, we tell the Lord about the offense, and that we want to forgive them and be reconciled to them. This is NOT a "formula" nor are these magic words. We need to be sure that we really DO want to forgive them. Notice that I didn't say we needed to "feel like" forgiving them, only that we want to forgive them.
The reason we want to forgive the other person isn't because of them, it's because we want to be obedient to God and please Him. The Lord tells us that if we don't forgive others, He won't forgive us. That has nothing to do with our salvation! The Lord is talking about parental forgiveness because we are already the children of God; He's not talking about being judged as unbelievers. Let me give you some scriptures that speak about this
Matthew 6:14–15 —For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. *But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. *
Mark 11:25 —And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.” *
James 2:13 —because judgment without mercy will be shown to anyone who has not been merciful. Mercy triumphs over judgment! *
Matthew 7:1–5 —“Do not judge, or you too will be judged. *For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. *“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? *How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? *You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye. *
Luke 11:4 —Forgive us our sins, for we also forgive everyone who sins against us. And lead us not into temptation.’ ” *
Matthew 6:12 —Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. *
Before we're saved, we're God's enemy. When we repent of our sins and He saves us, He removes the guilt and the penalty of sin and establishes an eternal relationship with us as He comes to dwell within us. Nothing can separate us from Him ever again, because when we were saved, He forgave ALL our sins - past, present and future. The reason we confess known sins after salvation is to keep our conscience clear and to keep our relationship with Him close and intimate.
After we're saved, the forgiveness granted to us when we confess and repent of our sins is parental forgiveness because we are now His Children and not His enemies.
When a child is disobedient the parents don't stop loving them and the child doesn't stop being their child. Instead what happens is that there's a tension in the relationship until the child confesses the sin (agrees they did wrong) and repents of it (feels badly about doing it and promises not to do it again). Some of the intimacy in the relationship is gone. Parents don' feel like cuddling the child when the child is misbehaving and the child doesn't feel like being cuddled then either. There are no heart to heart talks either because both are thinking of the offense. But there is no fear in the child of suddenly not being the child of their parents anymore. The child may be afraid of being punished if/when his parents discover the offense, but no child wonders if they're going to have to pack their bags and leave! They know their parents do and will still love them even if they're mad at them.
When we confess our sins as believers then, God forgives us and the intimacy of our relationship with the Lord is restored, and there's no longer any tension in it. That's what the Lord's parental forgiveness does for us. It has nothing to do with our salvation.
Being our Father though, God wants us to love others, so He tells us that we are to love them the same way He loved us. That's not with a mushy feeling, it's with real sacrificial love. He loved us when we were still His enemies and hated Him. So He tells us that we must love others that way as well. To do that we must forgive them the same way He forgave us. What He's saying in the above verses is that if we fail to forgive others who have sinned against us the same way He originally forgave us when we were saved, then He won't be able to forgive us of the sins that are interfering with our relationship now. Instead our sins will continue to create a tension between us and the Lord and some of the intimacy will be lost. We will still be His child; He will still love us; but until we obey Him and forgive others, He won't be able to forgive us the same way.
To drive this point home, He says that He will judge us for those sins the same way we're judging those folks that sinned against us that we won't forgive. Remember, our sins are already forgiven - they were forgiven at the cross. So when he says He can't forgive us unless we forgive them, He's saying the effect they have on our relationship with Him will remain until we do forgive them. He also tells us that if we are going to judge others harshly, then He will treat us the same way and be harsh with us, and punish us for our sin of not forgiving them.
As you can see it's our attitude that counts. We must truly want to forgive the other person and be reconciled to them as that's how God forgives us. Of course it's perfectly ok to ask the Lord to help us and to soften our hearts toward the person if we're having trouble with that. In fact, I'd say that's a pretty good way to tell that you need to confront that person about their sin instead of just covering the sin with love and forgiving them in your heart.
Obviously there may be times when that's impossible - maybe the person has died or has moved and you don't know how to get in touch with them;
In cases like this, you will simply have to forgive them in your heart asking God's help.
or maybe the person simply refuses to talk to you; or it could be that their sin has put them in jail or prison and they're no longer part of your life because of that; or perhaps they refuse to admit their sin, or refuse to repent of it, or maybe they aren't even saved.
In those kind of cases, you cannot truly forgive them and make that promise to them anyway, so again, the best you can do here is to forgive them in your heart asking God's help if needed.
We forgive most offenses by taking them to God and forgiving them in our hearts to Him. In other words, we tell the Lord about the offense, and that we want to forgive them and be reconciled to them. This is NOT a "formula" nor are these magic words. We need to be sure that we really DO want to forgive them. Notice that I didn't say we needed to "feel like" forgiving them, only that we want to forgive them.
The reason we want to forgive the other person isn't because of them, it's because we want to be obedient to God and please Him. The Lord tells us that if we don't forgive others, He won't forgive us. That has nothing to do with our salvation! The Lord is talking about parental forgiveness because we are already the children of God; He's not talking about being judged as unbelievers. Let me give you some scriptures that speak about this
Matthew 6:14–15 —For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. *But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. *
Mark 11:25 —And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.” *
James 2:13 —because judgment without mercy will be shown to anyone who has not been merciful. Mercy triumphs over judgment! *
Matthew 7:1–5 —“Do not judge, or you too will be judged. *For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. *“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? *How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? *You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye. *
Luke 11:4 —Forgive us our sins, for we also forgive everyone who sins against us. And lead us not into temptation.’ ” *
Matthew 6:12 —Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. *
Before we're saved, we're God's enemy. When we repent of our sins and He saves us, He removes the guilt and the penalty of sin and establishes an eternal relationship with us as He comes to dwell within us. Nothing can separate us from Him ever again, because when we were saved, He forgave ALL our sins - past, present and future. The reason we confess known sins after salvation is to keep our conscience clear and to keep our relationship with Him close and intimate.
After we're saved, the forgiveness granted to us when we confess and repent of our sins is parental forgiveness because we are now His Children and not His enemies.
When a child is disobedient the parents don't stop loving them and the child doesn't stop being their child. Instead what happens is that there's a tension in the relationship until the child confesses the sin (agrees they did wrong) and repents of it (feels badly about doing it and promises not to do it again). Some of the intimacy in the relationship is gone. Parents don' feel like cuddling the child when the child is misbehaving and the child doesn't feel like being cuddled then either. There are no heart to heart talks either because both are thinking of the offense. But there is no fear in the child of suddenly not being the child of their parents anymore. The child may be afraid of being punished if/when his parents discover the offense, but no child wonders if they're going to have to pack their bags and leave! They know their parents do and will still love them even if they're mad at them.
When we confess our sins as believers then, God forgives us and the intimacy of our relationship with the Lord is restored, and there's no longer any tension in it. That's what the Lord's parental forgiveness does for us. It has nothing to do with our salvation.
Being our Father though, God wants us to love others, so He tells us that we are to love them the same way He loved us. That's not with a mushy feeling, it's with real sacrificial love. He loved us when we were still His enemies and hated Him. So He tells us that we must love others that way as well. To do that we must forgive them the same way He forgave us. What He's saying in the above verses is that if we fail to forgive others who have sinned against us the same way He originally forgave us when we were saved, then He won't be able to forgive us of the sins that are interfering with our relationship now. Instead our sins will continue to create a tension between us and the Lord and some of the intimacy will be lost. We will still be His child; He will still love us; but until we obey Him and forgive others, He won't be able to forgive us the same way.
To drive this point home, He says that He will judge us for those sins the same way we're judging those folks that sinned against us that we won't forgive. Remember, our sins are already forgiven - they were forgiven at the cross. So when he says He can't forgive us unless we forgive them, He's saying the effect they have on our relationship with Him will remain until we do forgive them. He also tells us that if we are going to judge others harshly, then He will treat us the same way and be harsh with us, and punish us for our sin of not forgiving them.
As you can see it's our attitude that counts. We must truly want to forgive the other person and be reconciled to them as that's how God forgives us. Of course it's perfectly ok to ask the Lord to help us and to soften our hearts toward the person if we're having trouble with that. In fact, I'd say that's a pretty good way to tell that you need to confront that person about their sin instead of just covering the sin with love and forgiving them in your heart.
Obviously there may be times when that's impossible - maybe the person has died or has moved and you don't know how to get in touch with them;
In cases like this, you will simply have to forgive them in your heart asking God's help.
or maybe the person simply refuses to talk to you; or it could be that their sin has put them in jail or prison and they're no longer part of your life because of that; or perhaps they refuse to admit their sin, or refuse to repent of it, or maybe they aren't even saved.
In those kind of cases, you cannot truly forgive them and make that promise to them anyway, so again, the best you can do here is to forgive them in your heart asking God's help if needed.
Does everyone understand then that we handle most sins by covering them with love and forgiving the person in our hearts? That goes for both believers and unbelievers. The only difference is that with unbelievers when we do it that way, we do so realizing that the person can't really be forgiven because they're not saved, so it's always a good idea to add a pleas for their salvation to our prayer for them. We know they can't really be forgiven because apostles didn't go around announcing that Jesus had forgiven everyone so we should all rejoice. Instead they said it was available to everyone who would meet the conditions, which were repenting of their sins and trusting in Jesus as the one who shed His blood for the forgiveness of their sins. As you can see, the conditions were repentance and faith in Christ.
With unbelievers, since they don't know Jesus, they can't ever have real peace about the things they've done wrong. The best thing we can do when we feel a need to confront an unbeliever about their sin is to try and use the situation to tell them about Jesus and what He has to offer them. That's after we've forgiven them in our heart, which is telling God we're willing to forgive them and asking Him to rid our hearts and minds of any bitterness and resentment. Of course it's then up to us to be obedient to God and take any thoughts of bitterness or resentment captive and replace them with God's truth.
After that, we can then go to the person and talk to them about the incident to try and reconcile with them so we can live in peace with them. Doing that can give us the perfect opportunity to tell them about Jesus because we can tell them that we'd love to really forgive them but we can't, so we've forgiven them in our hearts and won't hold any grudges. But we'd really like them to be able to have peace about it and truly be forgiven so would like to tell them how God's made it possible for us to have all our sins forgiven... etc.
As we've talked about, doing things like this often brings unbelievers to faith in Christ later, just from seeing how we handle different situations in our lives, especially difficult situations. Even if we can't actually discuss salvation with them, just going to them and forgiving them in this way after they've confessed their wrong doing can plant seeds the the Lord can use to bring them to salvation later.
What if the unbeliever refuses to admit their fault? Then what do we do? For that, we can still do pretty much the same thing the Lord tells us to do if a believer refuses to admit their sin against us, at least up to a point. Let me show you the scriptures I'm talking about, although I'm sure you're familiar with them.
Matthew 18:15–17 —“If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. *But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ *If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector. *
If they refuse to admit that they've wronged us when we confront them about it, we can then take one or two other people along with us to try to confront them again about it. It's best if the people we take with us, witnessed the wrong doing but it's not necessary that they have. They're going along with us to act as witnesses that we're telling the truth and that they too believe that this person wrong us. If the unbeliever then admits their wrong, then we can accept their "apology" and be reconciled with them, having already forgiven them in our hearts. (and maybe somehow use the situation to tell them about God's salvation and His kind of forgiveness).
If they still refuse to admit their wrong, we have a couple of different options depending on just how serious the wrong committed against us was. Since we're confronting them about it, it's obviously a fairly big deal or we would have just forgiven them in our hearts and been done with it. The next option we have if they still refuse to admit their fault is to determine if there is anything further we could do to enable us to live at peace with them, and then do whatever it takes. But if we can't find anything else that would help, we may simply have to stay away from them. That's why God says ""if it's possible" instead of commanding us to live at peace with everyone.
Romans 12:18 —If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. *
We can't expect unbelievers to have our morals and ethics. Remember though in a situation like this, God would still expect us to refrain from gossiping about the person or what had happened. This would also be where we could be obedient by praying for them as you could legitimately call them your enemy if they refuse to forgive you. Remember, God says:
Matthew 5:44–48 —But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, *that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. *If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? *And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? *Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect. *
Romans 12:14 —Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. *
Romans 12:17–21 —Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. *If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. *Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. *On the contrary: “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” *Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. *
When the unbeliever refuses to forgive us and be reconciled, it would then be time to follow the Lord's directions in the above verses. But we do have a second option as well if the wrong committed against us is really important. It is at this point, where if they were a believer, we'd be taking it before the church, that we have permission to take them to court if necessary.
Matthew 18:15–17 —“If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. *But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ *If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector. *
1 Cor 6 forbids us from taking other believers to court over a wrong committed against us, but does not forbid us from taking an unbeliever to court. If it gets to this point however, we need to be especially careful to remember what it is that God expects of us. Our main job is to be peacemakers so we should never take anyone to court if there's anyway we can avoid it without compromising our morals and God's honor. An example of when someone should be taken to court would be when the wrong committed against us is a sin that mocks God and all He stands for, such as child molestation, rape or abuse. Those are not the only things we can take to court, I'm just using those as examples of things that we should take to court. In circumstances such as those, there can't be reconciliation, but if the wrong doing is something else, such as perhaps they stole some money from you, or something like that, then reconciliation is possible and we need to remember that it's our job to be the peacemaker.
Taking an unbeliever to court over a wrong is really a two step process, or even 3 if you count telling them that you're going to as one step. If they refuse to forgive you and you then tell them you will have to take them to court for it then, that might be all it will take to get them to reconsider and admit their wrong and make things right. If not though then you will have to call a lawyer and have your lawyer contact them. That's the second step and again, sometimes that is all it takes to get them to admit their wrong and make things right. If so then it can stop there and never go to court. If they still refuse however, then you will have to proceed to the last step which is to actually go to court.
The important thing to remember is that it's not our job to prove that we're right and they're wrong. Our job is instead to be a peacemaker if at all possible and to try to find a way to live in peace with this person. We need to remember too that God is part of this relationship too because He dwells within us and that He will be at work in this as well. He knows we will sometimes make mistakes, and He will help us all He can and will guide us when we ask Him (so we need to remember to keep asking Him!) We can know that we are doing His Will as long as our main objective is to live in peace with everyone, even this person who won't admit their wrong, if at all possible. We are never, ever to take anyone to court in order to get revenge, or to insist on getting our rights. Remember, Jesus did not insist or even ask for a fair trial, instead He left it all in the Father's hands.
1 Peter 2:23 —When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly. *
Micah 6:8 —He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God. *
Zechariah 7:9–10 —“This is what the Lord Almighty says: ‘Administer true justice; show mercy and compassion to one another. *Do not oppress the widow or the fatherless, the alien or the poor. In your hearts do not think evil of each other.’ *
Philippians 2:3–5 —Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. *Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. *Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: *
Next we'll discuss what to do if it's a believer who won't admit their sin against you, since we're already looking at that scripture anyway.
With unbelievers, since they don't know Jesus, they can't ever have real peace about the things they've done wrong. The best thing we can do when we feel a need to confront an unbeliever about their sin is to try and use the situation to tell them about Jesus and what He has to offer them. That's after we've forgiven them in our heart, which is telling God we're willing to forgive them and asking Him to rid our hearts and minds of any bitterness and resentment. Of course it's then up to us to be obedient to God and take any thoughts of bitterness or resentment captive and replace them with God's truth.
After that, we can then go to the person and talk to them about the incident to try and reconcile with them so we can live in peace with them. Doing that can give us the perfect opportunity to tell them about Jesus because we can tell them that we'd love to really forgive them but we can't, so we've forgiven them in our hearts and won't hold any grudges. But we'd really like them to be able to have peace about it and truly be forgiven so would like to tell them how God's made it possible for us to have all our sins forgiven... etc.
As we've talked about, doing things like this often brings unbelievers to faith in Christ later, just from seeing how we handle different situations in our lives, especially difficult situations. Even if we can't actually discuss salvation with them, just going to them and forgiving them in this way after they've confessed their wrong doing can plant seeds the the Lord can use to bring them to salvation later.
What if the unbeliever refuses to admit their fault? Then what do we do? For that, we can still do pretty much the same thing the Lord tells us to do if a believer refuses to admit their sin against us, at least up to a point. Let me show you the scriptures I'm talking about, although I'm sure you're familiar with them.
Matthew 18:15–17 —“If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. *But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ *If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector. *
If they refuse to admit that they've wronged us when we confront them about it, we can then take one or two other people along with us to try to confront them again about it. It's best if the people we take with us, witnessed the wrong doing but it's not necessary that they have. They're going along with us to act as witnesses that we're telling the truth and that they too believe that this person wrong us. If the unbeliever then admits their wrong, then we can accept their "apology" and be reconciled with them, having already forgiven them in our hearts. (and maybe somehow use the situation to tell them about God's salvation and His kind of forgiveness).
If they still refuse to admit their wrong, we have a couple of different options depending on just how serious the wrong committed against us was. Since we're confronting them about it, it's obviously a fairly big deal or we would have just forgiven them in our hearts and been done with it. The next option we have if they still refuse to admit their fault is to determine if there is anything further we could do to enable us to live at peace with them, and then do whatever it takes. But if we can't find anything else that would help, we may simply have to stay away from them. That's why God says ""if it's possible" instead of commanding us to live at peace with everyone.
Romans 12:18 —If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. *
We can't expect unbelievers to have our morals and ethics. Remember though in a situation like this, God would still expect us to refrain from gossiping about the person or what had happened. This would also be where we could be obedient by praying for them as you could legitimately call them your enemy if they refuse to forgive you. Remember, God says:
Matthew 5:44–48 —But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, *that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. *If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? *And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? *Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect. *
Romans 12:14 —Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. *
Romans 12:17–21 —Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. *If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. *Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. *On the contrary: “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” *Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. *
When the unbeliever refuses to forgive us and be reconciled, it would then be time to follow the Lord's directions in the above verses. But we do have a second option as well if the wrong committed against us is really important. It is at this point, where if they were a believer, we'd be taking it before the church, that we have permission to take them to court if necessary.
Matthew 18:15–17 —“If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. *But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ *If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector. *
1 Cor 6 forbids us from taking other believers to court over a wrong committed against us, but does not forbid us from taking an unbeliever to court. If it gets to this point however, we need to be especially careful to remember what it is that God expects of us. Our main job is to be peacemakers so we should never take anyone to court if there's anyway we can avoid it without compromising our morals and God's honor. An example of when someone should be taken to court would be when the wrong committed against us is a sin that mocks God and all He stands for, such as child molestation, rape or abuse. Those are not the only things we can take to court, I'm just using those as examples of things that we should take to court. In circumstances such as those, there can't be reconciliation, but if the wrong doing is something else, such as perhaps they stole some money from you, or something like that, then reconciliation is possible and we need to remember that it's our job to be the peacemaker.
Taking an unbeliever to court over a wrong is really a two step process, or even 3 if you count telling them that you're going to as one step. If they refuse to forgive you and you then tell them you will have to take them to court for it then, that might be all it will take to get them to reconsider and admit their wrong and make things right. If not though then you will have to call a lawyer and have your lawyer contact them. That's the second step and again, sometimes that is all it takes to get them to admit their wrong and make things right. If so then it can stop there and never go to court. If they still refuse however, then you will have to proceed to the last step which is to actually go to court.
The important thing to remember is that it's not our job to prove that we're right and they're wrong. Our job is instead to be a peacemaker if at all possible and to try to find a way to live in peace with this person. We need to remember too that God is part of this relationship too because He dwells within us and that He will be at work in this as well. He knows we will sometimes make mistakes, and He will help us all He can and will guide us when we ask Him (so we need to remember to keep asking Him!) We can know that we are doing His Will as long as our main objective is to live in peace with everyone, even this person who won't admit their wrong, if at all possible. We are never, ever to take anyone to court in order to get revenge, or to insist on getting our rights. Remember, Jesus did not insist or even ask for a fair trial, instead He left it all in the Father's hands.
1 Peter 2:23 —When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly. *
Micah 6:8 —He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God. *
Zechariah 7:9–10 —“This is what the Lord Almighty says: ‘Administer true justice; show mercy and compassion to one another. *Do not oppress the widow or the fatherless, the alien or the poor. In your hearts do not think evil of each other.’ *
Philippians 2:3–5 —Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. *Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. *Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: *
Next we'll discuss what to do if it's a believer who won't admit their sin against you, since we're already looking at that scripture anyway.
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