Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Understanding Forgiveness and Forgiving 5

Let's be clear that forgiveness is promising another that you will never bring up their offense again to use it against them, not to them, yourself, or anyone else and has nothing to do with your feelings.

We forgive most offenses by taking them to God and forgiving them in our hearts to Him. In other words, we tell the Lord about the offense, and that we want to forgive them and be reconciled to them. This is NOT a "formula" nor are these magic words. We need to be sure that we really DO want to forgive them. Notice that I didn't say we needed to "feel like" forgiving them, only that we want to forgive them.

The reason we want to forgive the other person isn't because of them, it's because we want to be obedient to God and please Him. The Lord tells us that if we don't forgive others, He won't forgive us. That has nothing to do with our salvation! The Lord is talking about parental forgiveness because we are already the children of God; He's not talking about being judged as unbelievers.
Let me give you some scriptures that speak about this


Matthew 6:14–15 —For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. *But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. *

Mark 11:25And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.” *

James 2:13because judgment without mercy will be shown to anyone who has not been merciful. Mercy triumphs over judgment! *

Matthew 7:1–5 —“Do not judge, or you too will be judged. *For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. *“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? *How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? *You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye. *


Luke 11:4Forgive us our sins, for we also forgive everyone who sins against us. And lead us not into temptation.’ ” *

Matthew 6:12Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. *

Before we're saved, we're God's enemy. When we repent of our sins and He saves us, He removes the guilt and the penalty of sin and establishes an eternal relationship with us as He comes to dwell within us. Nothing can separate us from Him ever again, because when we were saved, He forgave ALL our sins - past, present and future. The reason we confess known sins after salvation is to keep our conscience clear and to keep our relationship with Him close and intimate.

After we're saved, the forgiveness granted to us when we confess and repent of our sins is parental forgiveness because we are now His Children and not His enemies.

When a child is disobedient the parents don't stop loving them and the child doesn't stop being their child. Instead what happens is that there's a tension in the relationship until the child confesses the sin (agrees they did wrong) and repents of it (feels badly about doing it and promises not to do it again). Some of the intimacy in the relationship is gone. Parents don' feel like cuddling the child when the child is misbehaving and the child doesn't feel like being cuddled then either. There are no heart to heart talks either because both are thinking of the offense. But there is no fear in the child of suddenly not being the child of their parents anymore. The child may be afraid of being punished if/when his parents discover the offense, but no child wonders if they're going to have to pack their bags and leave! They know their parents do and will still love them even if they're mad at them.

When we confess our sins as believers then, God forgives us and the intimacy of our relationship with the Lord is restored, and there's no longer any tension in it. That's what the Lord's parental forgiveness does for us. It has nothing to do with our salvation.

Being our Father though, God wants us to love others, so He tells us that we are to love them the same way He loved us. That's not with a mushy feeling, it's with real sacrificial love. He loved us when we were still His enemies and hated Him. So He tells us that we must love others that way as well. To do that we must forgive them the same way He forgave us. What He's saying in the above verses is that if we fail to forgive others who have sinned against us the same way He originally forgave us when we were saved, then He won't be able to forgive us of the sins that are interfering with our relationship now. Instead our sins will continue to create a tension between us and the Lord and some of the intimacy will be lost. We will still be His child; He will still love us; but until we obey Him and forgive others, He won't be able to forgive us the same way.

To drive this point home, He says that He will judge us for those sins the same way we're judging those folks that sinned against us that we won't forgive. Remember, our sins are already forgiven - they were forgiven at the cross. So when he says He can't forgive us unless we forgive them, He's saying the effect they have on our relationship with Him will remain until we do forgive them. He also tells us that if we are going to judge others harshly, then He will treat us the same way and be harsh with us, and punish us for our sin of not forgiving them.

As you can see it's our attitude that counts. We must truly want to forgive the other person and be reconciled to them as that's how God forgives us. Of course it's perfectly ok to ask the Lord to help us and to soften our hearts toward the person if we're having trouble with that. In fact, I'd say that's a pretty good way to tell that you need to confront that person about their sin instead of just covering the sin with love and forgiving them in your heart.

Obviously there may be times when that's impossible - maybe the person has died or has moved and you don't know how to get in touch with them;

In cases like this, you will simply have to forgive them in your heart asking God's help.

or maybe the person simply refuses to talk to you; or it could be that their sin has put them in jail or prison and they're no longer part of your life because of that; or perhaps they refuse to admit their sin, or refuse to repent of it, or maybe they aren't even saved.


In those kind of cases, you cannot truly forgive them and make that promise to them anyway, so again, the best you can do here is to forgive them in your heart asking God's help if needed.
Does everyone understand then that we handle most sins by covering them with love and forgiving the person in our hearts? That goes for both believers and unbelievers. The only difference is that with unbelievers when we do it that way, we do so realizing that the person can't really be forgiven because they're not saved, so it's always a good idea to add a pleas for their salvation to our prayer for them. We know they can't really be forgiven because apostles didn't go around announcing that Jesus had forgiven everyone so we should all rejoice. Instead they said it was available to everyone who would meet the conditions, which were repenting of their sins and trusting in Jesus as the one who shed His blood for the forgiveness of their sins. As you can see, the conditions were repentance and faith in Christ.

With unbelievers, since they don't know Jesus, they can't ever have real peace about the things they've done wrong. The best thing we can do when we feel a need to confront an unbeliever about their sin is to try and use the situation to tell them about Jesus and what He has to offer them. That's after we've forgiven them in our heart, which is telling God we're willing to forgive them and asking Him to rid our hearts and minds of any bitterness and resentment. Of course it's then up to us to be obedient to God and take any thoughts of bitterness or resentment captive and replace them with God's truth.

After that, we can then go to the person and talk to them about the incident to try and reconcile with them so we can live in peace with them. Doing that can give us the perfect opportunity to tell them about Jesus because we can tell them that we'd love to really forgive them but we can't, so we've forgiven them in our hearts and won't hold any grudges. But we'd really like them to be able to have peace about it and truly be forgiven so would like to tell them how God's made it possible for us to have all our sins forgiven... etc.


As we've talked about, doing things like this often brings unbelievers to faith in Christ later, just from seeing how we handle different situations in our lives, especially difficult situations. Even if we can't actually discuss salvation with them, just going to them and forgiving them in this way after they've confessed their wrong doing can plant seeds the the Lord can use to bring them to salvation later.


What if the unbeliever refuses to admit their fault? Then what do we do? For that, we can still do pretty much the same thing the Lord tells us to do if a believer refuses to admit their sin against us, at least up to a point. Let me show you the scriptures I'm talking about, although I'm sure you're familiar with them.

Matthew 18:15–17 —“If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. *But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ *If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector. *

If they refuse to admit that they've wronged us when we confront them about it, we can then take one or two other people along with us to try to confront them again about it. It's best if the people we take with us, witnessed the wrong doing but it's not necessary that they have. They're going along with us to act as witnesses that we're telling the truth and that they too believe that this person wrong us. If the unbeliever then admits their wrong, then we can accept their "apology" and be reconciled with them, having already forgiven them in our hearts. (and maybe somehow use the situation to tell them about God's salvation and His kind of forgiveness).

If they still refuse to admit their wrong, we have a couple of different options depending on just how serious the wrong committed against us was. Since we're confronting them about it, it's obviously a fairly big deal or we would have just forgiven them in our hearts and been done with it. The next option we have if they still refuse to admit their fault is to
determine if there is anything further we could do to enable us to live at peace with them, and then do whatever it takes. But if we can't find anything else that would help, we may simply have to stay away from them. That's why God says ""if it's possible" instead of commanding us to live at peace with everyone.

Romans 12:18If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. *

We can't expect unbelievers to have our morals and ethics. Remember though in a situation like this, God would still expect us to refrain from gossiping about the person or what had happened. This would also be where we could be obedient by praying for them as you could legitimately call them your enemy if they refuse to forgive you. Remember, God says:

Matthew 5:44–48 —But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, *that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. *If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? *And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? *Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect. *

Romans 12:14
Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. *


Romans 12:17–21 —
Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. *If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. *Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. *On the contrary: “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” *Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. *


When the unbeliever refuses to forgive us and be reconciled, it would then be time to follow the Lord's directions in the above verses. But we do have a second option as well if the wrong committed against us is really important. It is at this point, where if they were a believer, we'd be taking it before the church, that we have permission to take them to court if necessary.

Matthew 18:15–17 —“If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. *But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ *If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector. *

1 Cor 6 forbids us from taking other believers to court over a wrong committed against us, but does not forbid us from taking an unbeliever to court. If it gets to this point however, we need to be especially careful to remember what it is that God expects of us. Our main job is to be peacemakers so we should never take anyone to court if there's anyway we can avoid it without compromising our morals and God's honor. An example of when someone should be taken to court would be when the wrong committed against us is a sin that mocks God and all He stands for, such as child molestation, rape or abuse. Those are not the only things we can take to court, I'm just using those as examples of things that we should take to court. In circumstances such as those, there can't be reconciliation, but if the wrong doing is something else, such as perhaps they stole some money from you, or something like that, then reconciliation is possible and we need to remember that it's our job to be the peacemaker.

Taking an unbeliever to court over a wrong is really a two step process, or even 3 if you count telling them that you're going to as one step. If they refuse to forgive you and you then tell them you will have to take them to court for it then, that might be all it will take to get them to reconsider and admit their wrong and make things right. If not though then you will have to call a lawyer and have your lawyer contact them. That's the second step and again, sometimes that is all it takes to get them to admit their wrong and make things right. If so then it can stop there and never go to court. If they still refuse however, then you will have to proceed to the last step which is to actually go to court.

The important thing to remember is that it's not our job to prove that we're right and they're wrong. Our job is instead to be a peacemaker if at all possible and to try to find a way to live in peace with this person. We need to remember too that God is part of this relationship too because He dwells within us and that He will be at work in this as well. He knows we will sometimes make mistakes, and He will help us all He can and will guide us when we ask Him (so we need to remember to keep asking Him!) We can know that we are doing His Will as long as our main objective is to live in peace with everyone, even this person who won't admit their wrong, if at all possible. We are never, ever to take anyone to court in order to get revenge, or to insist on getting our rights. Remember, Jesus did not insist or even ask for a fair trial, instead He left it all in the Father's hands.

1 Peter 2:23When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly. *

Micah 6:8
He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God. *


Zechariah 7:9–10 —“This is what the Lord Almighty says: ‘Administer true justice; show mercy and compassion to one another. *Do not oppress the widow or the fatherless, the alien or the poor. In your hearts do not think evil of each other.’ *

Philippians 2:3–5 —Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. *Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. *Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: *

Next we'll discuss what to do if it's a believer who won't admit their sin against you, since we're already looking at that scripture anyway.

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